Serenity, Courage, Wisdom.

Today was a much better day on an emotional level. I wasn’t all grey clouds and rain showers. LOL. I’ve been learning to really address the things in my past that have created cracks and weak places in my foundation as an adult. There are so many things I’ve realized I still carry with me from my childhood and adolescence. I’ve paid a tremendous amount of lip service in denouncing all that has ever brought me down, and acting like the ‘hard ass’ I portray myself to be … when in all actuality … there’s still that little boy inside wanting attention and affection. I’m not keeping him hidden any longer. Instead, I reach deep within myself and grab his hand. I get on my knees down to his level and I cry with him. I begin to heal his broken heart, so the adult whom he has become can heal as well.

So many disappointments, so many tears – years and years of rage and regrets have manifested into pounds. Years of feeling inadequate, unloved and unworthy have translated into one more unhealthy meal, one more binge … one more bite. Bite by bite, I have destroyed myself. I have drowned that little boy in milkshakes and cheeseburgers. I have silenced him with pizza and alcohol. I’ve been guilty of doing to him what everyone else did … pushing him aside for selfish reasons.

The difference now, however, is that I get it. I see it. I know it. I can look boldly to my past and stand up and say … ‘Yes, you have won many battles … but I’m here to tell you … I’m claiming the victory for the whole damn war’. I win.

Obesity is never JUST a food issue. It’s the manifestation of a vice – a bondage – an addiction. When you see someone on the streets stumbling and slurring with a wine bottle in hand, their behavior and outer appearance is a manifestation of their condition. Their pain and torment caused them to take that drink and get to where they are today. It’s no different with obesity. What you see on the outside of me, was a feeble attempt to apply salve to my wounds in the form of food. Just because it wasn’t a bottle to my lips, or some powder snorted in my nose, or a needle in my vein – doesn’t make it any less harmful or any less deadly.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

That is the prayer spoken by millions of members of any 12-step style program.


Let’s dissect that, shall we?

se•ren•i•ty –noun, plural
-the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness.

Grant me the calm state of being to look at my life; to see the big picture and to accept what it has become. Allow me to find tranquility in the things that I cannot change and learn to love them as they are.

cour•age - noun
-the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Grant me the ability to stand as David stood while facing Goliath – fearless and steadfast. Give me the bravery to face my giant with nothing but a stone and a sling and have the confidence to use the tool I’ve been provided and succeed once and for all.

wis•dom –noun
-the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Allow me to be smart enough to know and to accept what I CAN change. Let me discern what is possible instead of setting myself up for failure by meddling in the IMpossible. Let me KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW what I can change as well as giving me the common sense to change it.

This is my mantra. This is what I have to think on and meditate on every second of every hour of ever day. My weight is something I CAN change. My childhood is not. I can’t continue to eat away the pain, because if I keep trying … I’ll just keep getting fatter and fatter until those who tormented me will get their ultimate wish … my demise. Letting go is sometimes the hardest part, but one finger at a time – I release.

Silver Linings

This week has seemed to have a few more emotional downs than ups. I’ve stomached a few really shitty comments – and am having a hard time digesting them properly. One main one, that I know wasn’t meant as an insult per say, but still hurt none the less. My new supervisor mentioned to me that I’ve gained a ton of weight in the last year since he’s seen me. He went on to say, “I was like … WOAH … when I saw you. Like … WOW … what happened?” I wanted to kick him in the face with a steel toe boot. I know I’ve put on a few over the last year … probably about 25-30lbs … but he made it sound like I went from 0 to 100 in 2.5 seconds flat. My nutritionists plan for a protein shake for breakfast isn’t working. My work schedule is so screwy … that I have breakfast at 10am, and don’t eat lunch until 5pm … and there is no way an 8oz water and powder mix will keep me full that long without starving and being grumpy. My brain goes back into failure mode with every hunger pain. I have a nagging sense of defeat with every bite I consume. Food has become my arch enemy … that one arch enemy you can’t live without. 

I’m going to allow myself this mini pity party I’ve been having the past day or two – then give myself a swift kick in the ass with the start of this new week. My insurance does not require I lose any weight before surgery, but it’s a personal goal of mine. Hell, even if it’s only one freakin’ pound – it’s still a loss. I do NOT want to accept a gain in weight. I will not gain weight ever again. It’s only losing from this point forward. I’ve seen my highest, and I will not allow that number to be pushed up any higher than it already is. Last time I went to the surgeon’s office, I had a 3 lb weight loss. I used to think of that at something rather insignificant, however … the nutritionist gave me a good insight.

She said that when people who are morbidly obese (yours truly) lose 10 or 20 lbs, it doesn’t seem like anything because it can’t really be seen on the outside. But go to WalMart and get a 20lb bag of dog food and carry it on your back for a while. Walk up and down the aisles with it. Feel it getting heavier and weighing down on you. That’s the 20lbs you’ve lost. Sure … you’re still the same size clothes, and still fat … but you just lost ALL THAT WEIGHT!! Instead of looking at that 3lb weight loss as just a measly 3 pounds … I see it for what it really is. About the weight of ½ gallon of milk. I don’t know about you … but that really helps put it into perspective. We live in an apartment, and our unit is on the back side of the building … so we have to park our car and walk around the building to get inside. When we are bringing in groceries and I’m lugging that gallon jug – I can hardly wait to get it in the house. I just shed that off of my body. My body rid itself of that much weight. It helps me be excited about the small steps.

I am just shy of 3 weeks from my next meeting with Dr. Bass (7/14), so I’d like to see another 3lb drop. I’m not shooting for crazy high numbers or setting up myself for failure … I’m setting an eye level goal that I could just reach out and grab.

Even typing this … I’ve noticed my posture straighten up as I get this load off of my chest. I’m feeling better and relieved that I was able to vent. I’m feeling stronger and coming into focus with my goals and dreams. I can do this. I will do this. Failure is no longer in the Joshua Ortiz dictionary.

First Nutritionist Meeting

Today was my first appointment with the nutritionist at Gulf Coast Bariatrics. She was absolutely wonderful. The appointment lasted a little over an hour and she offered a lot of valuable input and ideas. I've lost 3 lbs since last Thursday when I met the surgeon ... so in about 6 days. I'm honestly not trying to diet or anything along that line at the moment, but I have noticed I am much more aware about what I am putting into my body. Either way, I am very pleased with the unexpected weight loss, even if it seems minimal.

While meeting with the nutritionist, we spoke about diet (obviously), protein and vitamin intake, juicing vegetables and trigger foods. She doesn't just focus on the food - but the reason behind them. We went through a typical day from breakfast through dinner - mindless eating and empty calories. She has given me a bit of a challenge to work on between now and when I see her 7/20 for my 2nd appointment. What she has suggested is that I replace my breakfast meal (usually some form of cereal) with a protein rich meal replacement shake. She's also suggested we set some basic ground rules for times when I do eat. The main ones are things like to never eat while driving (eliminating most fast food hits), also to not watch TV or eat dinner on the couch, but to sit at the table and eat without distraction. It makes sense, because being distracted during eating leads to over eating. Last but not least, I am not to drink 30 minutes before, during, and 30 minutes after meals. Reasoning for that is that liquids push food through your stomach faster into your intestines - creating more space to intake more calories.  I've got quite the workload ahead of me! Once I get used to all of those changes, she's also like me to get into some light yoga. LOL, she doesn't ask too much, does she?

All of these changes are small yet imperative to my success in this journey. I am always going to be worried of failure - but I have never felt so empowered to succeed before. Dr. Bass's office is really giving me a sense of hope I've never had before. It's no longer a question of IF I lose this weight ... now it's I WILL lose this weight.

When the appointment came to a close, she gave me a little goody bag full of different sample protein meal replacement shakes and a Blender Bottle (which I was super stoked about).

I'm thinking the banana flavor will be tomorrow's breakfast. I'll be sure to post on how they are ... and give an honest opinion. I may swing by the local hippie health food store to get a few different types of protein powders this weekend. I will have to be on a liquid only diet for one week before surgery, so variety will be the spice of my bariatric life. :)

Genesis

I'm beginning to think of myself as a Phoenix of sorts. From the ashes, I rise yet again. I have invented and re-invented myself through out my life many times - none as significant as these past several years. 

My weight is always something I've struggled with. I grew up skinny as a rail until my preteen years. I took a turn down a path of insecurity and depression and food seemed to be what consoled me the most. I packed on the weight. I lost it - but always managed to pack it on again, plus a few more pounds for good measure. 

It was a decision several years in the making to have weight loss surgery. I struggled with what that meant, and what I thought it signified. I spent years thinking it was the 'easy way out' ... all the while getting bigger, more miserable, unhealthier and more depressed. I became a slave to myself. Easy way out? Anything but. I have spent the last several years researching, analyzing, weighing and contemplating this decision. What does it mean for ME? What if there are complications during/after surgery? What if I DIE? What will I be able to eat/not eat? As time was ticking, and the pounds were piling ... one thing became inherently clear. If I did not do this, I wouldn't have to worry about surgery killing me ... because I was killing me. Complications from the sleeve gastrectomy are few and far between - and the chances of death are even slimmer. Complications and death from morbid obesity is not an option or a probable outcome - it is guaranteed. This will kill me. Once I realized that, the decision was made. It was as common sense as any other decision I've ever made to better my life. Have surgery - let my insurance pay for it - get healthy .... or continue on this road of internal self destruction and make my wife a widow much too soon. 

This blog is meant for anyone who is struggling, has struggled or will ever struggle with an obstacle in their life that seems almost too big to conquer. We all have that one mountain in our lives that seem impossible to climb. I have 3. One, I have climbed by becoming who I am today. The 2nd ... I am gearing up to climb with this weight loss ... and the 3rd is a general result of the previous 2 and will be nothing but a mole hill after I've climbed my 2 Everest's. In this blog I will share my journey. Every doctor's visit. Every nutritionist appointment. Every little bit of knowledge, inspiration and strength I gather along the way. I will document my ups and my downs. My triumphs and my set backs. My fears and those which I have conquered. I will also be on the search for protein alternatives (consuming nearly 90% protein after WLS (weight loss surgery) is a MUST ... and I'm on the hunt for the least nasty way to do so), vitamin supplements with minimal freaky effects and everything in between. 

My surgery countdown has begun. My health insurance (Aetna) requires I wait a 90 day preparatory period from the date of my first surgical consult. I met with my surgeon, Dr. Thomas Bass in Fort Myers, FL on June 9th, 2011. That was day 1 of my 90. He is with Gulf Coast Bariatric Center and is a really great guy. My appointment lasted nearly 2 hours as he answered a lot of my questions as well as addressed my wife's concerns. He went over my medical records and health issues - and has diagnosed me with sleep apnea. I am not a diabetic, nor do I have high cholesterol. My blood pressure is within the normal range - but has been high in the past. He stated I was a perfect candidate for the Sleeve Gastrectomy (I will post images and videos in other posts of the actual surgery). He stated with my age and determination - he doesn't see why I couldn't reach 75% of my total goal within the first year or so. I have an appointment with his nutritionist on Wednesday 6/15/11, which I am very excited about. She's the bariatric protein recipe diva apparently, and I'm always up for more tips. Per my insurance, I've got to get a psychiatric evaluation to make sure I'm not a nut job and that's scheduled for July 5th with another meeting with Dr. Bass a day or two after that. By that time ... month one of 3 will be under my belt and I'll be that much closer to surgery.

This will be one hell of a bumpy ride and I am well aware that I'll never wake up and be skinny and buff ... but I am ready to put in the work to use this operation to the best of it's ability. One thing Dr. Bass said that has stuck with me was that in order to achieve success, I've got to work WITH the operation and not against it. I can't think the surgery is going to do everything. I've got to take in my 600-700 calories a day post-op, my 100g of protein and vitamins and I've got to MOVE MOVE MOVE. With the support of my wife, friends and family - and my fellow sleevers, I will succeed. I hope this blog can inform, encourage or at the very least entertain you. 

Welcome to my Genesis. My brand new beginning.