Serenity, Courage, Wisdom.

Today was a much better day on an emotional level. I wasn’t all grey clouds and rain showers. LOL. I’ve been learning to really address the things in my past that have created cracks and weak places in my foundation as an adult. There are so many things I’ve realized I still carry with me from my childhood and adolescence. I’ve paid a tremendous amount of lip service in denouncing all that has ever brought me down, and acting like the ‘hard ass’ I portray myself to be … when in all actuality … there’s still that little boy inside wanting attention and affection. I’m not keeping him hidden any longer. Instead, I reach deep within myself and grab his hand. I get on my knees down to his level and I cry with him. I begin to heal his broken heart, so the adult whom he has become can heal as well.

So many disappointments, so many tears – years and years of rage and regrets have manifested into pounds. Years of feeling inadequate, unloved and unworthy have translated into one more unhealthy meal, one more binge … one more bite. Bite by bite, I have destroyed myself. I have drowned that little boy in milkshakes and cheeseburgers. I have silenced him with pizza and alcohol. I’ve been guilty of doing to him what everyone else did … pushing him aside for selfish reasons.

The difference now, however, is that I get it. I see it. I know it. I can look boldly to my past and stand up and say … ‘Yes, you have won many battles … but I’m here to tell you … I’m claiming the victory for the whole damn war’. I win.

Obesity is never JUST a food issue. It’s the manifestation of a vice – a bondage – an addiction. When you see someone on the streets stumbling and slurring with a wine bottle in hand, their behavior and outer appearance is a manifestation of their condition. Their pain and torment caused them to take that drink and get to where they are today. It’s no different with obesity. What you see on the outside of me, was a feeble attempt to apply salve to my wounds in the form of food. Just because it wasn’t a bottle to my lips, or some powder snorted in my nose, or a needle in my vein – doesn’t make it any less harmful or any less deadly.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

That is the prayer spoken by millions of members of any 12-step style program.


Let’s dissect that, shall we?

se•ren•i•ty –noun, plural
-the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness.

Grant me the calm state of being to look at my life; to see the big picture and to accept what it has become. Allow me to find tranquility in the things that I cannot change and learn to love them as they are.

cour•age - noun
-the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Grant me the ability to stand as David stood while facing Goliath – fearless and steadfast. Give me the bravery to face my giant with nothing but a stone and a sling and have the confidence to use the tool I’ve been provided and succeed once and for all.

wis•dom –noun
-the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.

Allow me to be smart enough to know and to accept what I CAN change. Let me discern what is possible instead of setting myself up for failure by meddling in the IMpossible. Let me KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW what I can change as well as giving me the common sense to change it.

This is my mantra. This is what I have to think on and meditate on every second of every hour of ever day. My weight is something I CAN change. My childhood is not. I can’t continue to eat away the pain, because if I keep trying … I’ll just keep getting fatter and fatter until those who tormented me will get their ultimate wish … my demise. Letting go is sometimes the hardest part, but one finger at a time – I release.