This week has seemed to have a few more emotional downs than ups. I’ve stomached a few really shitty comments – and am having a hard time digesting them properly. One main one, that I know wasn’t meant as an insult per say, but still hurt none the less. My new supervisor mentioned to me that I’ve gained a ton of weight in the last year since he’s seen me. He went on to say, “I was like … WOAH … when I saw you. Like … WOW … what happened?” I wanted to kick him in the face with a steel toe boot. I know I’ve put on a few over the last year … probably about 25-30lbs … but he made it sound like I went from 0 to 100 in 2.5 seconds flat. My nutritionists plan for a protein shake for breakfast isn’t working. My work schedule is so screwy … that I have breakfast at 10am, and don’t eat lunch until 5pm … and there is no way an 8oz water and powder mix will keep me full that long without starving and being grumpy. My brain goes back into failure mode with every hunger pain. I have a nagging sense of defeat with every bite I consume. Food has become my arch enemy … that one arch enemy you can’t live without.
I’m going to allow myself this mini pity party I’ve been having the past day or two – then give myself a swift kick in the ass with the start of this new week. My insurance does not require I lose any weight before surgery, but it’s a personal goal of mine. Hell, even if it’s only one freakin’ pound – it’s still a loss. I do NOT want to accept a gain in weight. I will not gain weight ever again. It’s only losing from this point forward. I’ve seen my highest, and I will not allow that number to be pushed up any higher than it already is. Last time I went to the surgeon’s office, I had a 3 lb weight loss. I used to think of that at something rather insignificant, however … the nutritionist gave me a good insight.
She said that when people who are morbidly obese (yours truly) lose 10 or 20 lbs, it doesn’t seem like anything because it can’t really be seen on the outside. But go to WalMart and get a 20lb bag of dog food and carry it on your back for a while. Walk up and down the aisles with it. Feel it getting heavier and weighing down on you. That’s the 20lbs you’ve lost. Sure … you’re still the same size clothes, and still fat … but you just lost ALL THAT WEIGHT!! Instead of looking at that 3lb weight loss as just a measly 3 pounds … I see it for what it really is. About the weight of ½ gallon of milk. I don’t know about you … but that really helps put it into perspective. We live in an apartment, and our unit is on the back side of the building … so we have to park our car and walk around the building to get inside. When we are bringing in groceries and I’m lugging that gallon jug – I can hardly wait to get it in the house. I just shed that off of my body. My body rid itself of that much weight. It helps me be excited about the small steps.
I am just shy of 3 weeks from my next meeting with Dr. Bass (7/14), so I’d like to see another 3lb drop. I’m not shooting for crazy high numbers or setting up myself for failure … I’m setting an eye level goal that I could just reach out and grab.
Even typing this … I’ve noticed my posture straighten up as I get this load off of my chest. I’m feeling better and relieved that I was able to vent. I’m feeling stronger and coming into focus with my goals and dreams. I can do this. I will do this. Failure is no longer in the Joshua Ortiz dictionary.
I'm hearing your "all or nothing" mentality. Not a good place to be in when it come to a life long journey.
ReplyDelete"I will not gain weight ever again."
Sorry to burst your bubble, but that statement just is not true. You will gain weight again. EVERYONE does. But you will have to monitor it very closely and not let it get out of control.
I'm only saying because I know. I know you can succeed in this journey, but you're going to have to change SO MANY things about yourself that, not only will people not recognize you on the outside, but you will realize you won't even recognize yourself on the inside.
THe person you think you are now will not be the same person you are six months afer your surgery. The way you do things, the way you think about things will be totally different in ways that aren't even imaginable to you at this point. I'm writting it down here so that a year from now you can say my favorite sentence to hear, "See C., you were so right!" :-)
Stay strong, JD. Stay open. Stay willing. Stay humble in this journey and forget about the words "always" and "never" ...they are not going to be true words in your vocabulary.
I think that it is very doable to lose a lot of weight before the surgery. What weight are you starting from, if you don't mind me asking?
ReplyDeleteI just glanced through your posts but are you on the pre-surgery diet now? If so, you will lose a ton of weight. Taking in under 1000 calories will result in rapid weight loss. Surgery is just a tool to use, you still will end up taking in less calories which will result in weight loss. I look forward to reading more!
http://debbidoesdieting.blogspot.com/
I know how much you've already done, how much you've overcome, to be where you are today, and because I know that, I know you can and will do this, too. And sure you're gonna stumble, we all do. But there will always be hands reaching to grasp yours and help you up, help you through--because those hands we reach for are the very same ones that give so generously and so lovingly to so many others.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't going to be easy, but you know that, too. Nothing good ever is. I like the way you're thinking about the actual weight of something, and here's another visual: a pound of butter. Four sticks. Of. Fat.
Or two cups of oil, also equivalent to a pound of fat. Think about that. There was a reason Oprah dragged that little wagon filled with 67 pounds of fat behind her....seeing what it actually looks like can sometime jolt you most. Look at the fat that is wrapped around a steak or a roast, and think about that solid waxy heart clogging substance....that YOU are losing, bit by bit.
I am proud of you. Proud to know you. And I am here for you.