Just wanted to update everyone ... my wife was sleeved on 12/19. She is doing remarkably well. From the start of the liquid diet, she's dow 24 lbs with 20 of those being in the last 7 days. I'm certain its imoossible for me to be any more proud ofher than I am right now.
WAY TO GO, BABE!!!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Resolutions
Tis the season of new beginnings. There is an aura of hope in the air. Expectation for something new, shiny and exciting. This is the time when we shake off all the dust and grime from the year before and anxiously step into a new year with hopes of it being the best year yet. This is the time for resolutions, promises and goals. Lose weight, stop smoking, do more for yourself, spend more time with your family … you know the drill. January 1st comes around, and we lay down the cookies, or the cigarettes or whatever the vice is. We may even take the clothes hanging on the treadmill and throw them aside and give that bad boy a whirl. January 6th comes – we hit up McDonalds – maybe buy that pack of Marlboro’s – stating stress, this or that as the reason. By February, January’s hopes are nothing but distant memories.
I can’t help but think how this year will be different for me. Stop smoking? Already did. Lose weight? I’d say 94lbs in 13 weeks is pretty damn good. Check. All of the generic cookie cutter resolutions don’t seem to fit into my plans this year. This year is unlike any other.
I think to my past eating habits, try to remember what it was like to be trapped inside a 409lb cocoon. I remember things like eating in secret. I’d go to Taco Bell and order $15 worth of taco-y goodness – but only through the drive through. Then I’d pull over and eat a little, chuck the wrappers in the trash – then bring the then half empty bag into wherever I was going, so it seemed as if I only ordered 2 or 3 items – instead of the 5 or 6 I actually did. I remember going to restaurants and feeling like all eyes were on the fat guy. I couldn’t help but feel like there was some policy to notify the kitchen when I’d arrive, “All hands on deck! Fatty McFattigan is in the building!!!” I remember what it was to be shamed. To feel unworthy as those who were fit and skinny. I know what it is to feel like I don’t belong somewhere because I was morbidly obese.
I watch now, from the other side, the people like me. The secret eaters, the shameful scarfers, the ones trapped behind layers of tissue – just SCREAMING to get out, but they can’t find their way.
My very existence post op – my fitness – my weight, is for them to see. Look at what I was. Look at what I am. Look at what I will become. YOU TOO can do this. I’m half tempted to glue a sign to my ass ‘Ask me how I lost a whole person off my midsection!!’
What is my New Years Resolution? To love myself. To learn to love this thinning, sagging, HEALTHY heap that I have become. Learn to love every piece of skin – no matter the level of sag. My resolution is to love myself in such a way that has people noticing – and coming to ask ‘How’d you do it?’ My resolution is to save even one life this year by professing the wonders of this tool. My resolution is to be a living and breathing example of what a second chance at life is all about.
Stop smoking? Lose weight? Surface resolutions. We’re changing lives over here.
I can’t help but think how this year will be different for me. Stop smoking? Already did. Lose weight? I’d say 94lbs in 13 weeks is pretty damn good. Check. All of the generic cookie cutter resolutions don’t seem to fit into my plans this year. This year is unlike any other.
I think to my past eating habits, try to remember what it was like to be trapped inside a 409lb cocoon. I remember things like eating in secret. I’d go to Taco Bell and order $15 worth of taco-y goodness – but only through the drive through. Then I’d pull over and eat a little, chuck the wrappers in the trash – then bring the then half empty bag into wherever I was going, so it seemed as if I only ordered 2 or 3 items – instead of the 5 or 6 I actually did. I remember going to restaurants and feeling like all eyes were on the fat guy. I couldn’t help but feel like there was some policy to notify the kitchen when I’d arrive, “All hands on deck! Fatty McFattigan is in the building!!!” I remember what it was to be shamed. To feel unworthy as those who were fit and skinny. I know what it is to feel like I don’t belong somewhere because I was morbidly obese.
I watch now, from the other side, the people like me. The secret eaters, the shameful scarfers, the ones trapped behind layers of tissue – just SCREAMING to get out, but they can’t find their way.
My very existence post op – my fitness – my weight, is for them to see. Look at what I was. Look at what I am. Look at what I will become. YOU TOO can do this. I’m half tempted to glue a sign to my ass ‘Ask me how I lost a whole person off my midsection!!’
What is my New Years Resolution? To love myself. To learn to love this thinning, sagging, HEALTHY heap that I have become. Learn to love every piece of skin – no matter the level of sag. My resolution is to love myself in such a way that has people noticing – and coming to ask ‘How’d you do it?’ My resolution is to save even one life this year by professing the wonders of this tool. My resolution is to be a living and breathing example of what a second chance at life is all about.
Stop smoking? Lose weight? Surface resolutions. We’re changing lives over here.
Friday, December 9, 2011
2.5 months.
I never seem to find the time to update this even though I keep telling myself I will. Ah, good intentions.
Anyway – 2.5 months post op – 85lbs down. I feel healthy and fantastic. I’ve went from a 6o” waist to a 46” in that time. From 4xl PJ pants to a regular ole XL. Fantastic feeling – to be able to go to a place like WalMart and actually find something that fits. Shirts went from a 4xl to a 2xl for the most part. I’ve lost bout 30+ inches. I’m noticing I graze at work throughout the day. It’s nothing unhealthy – usually nuts and dried cranberries, but I don’t want to get into the habit of shoving things in my face throughout the day. My meals seem wholesome thus far. A typical day is egg for breakfast with a slice of cheese, protein shake on the way to work (around noon time), nuts and dried berries munched on until dinner break at 5:00pm – which is usually something protein rich like tuna or something of the sort with a small slice of bread (a flat mini 50 calorie thingy), after dinner between then and the time I go home I’m usually munching on some more mixed nuts/berries and cheese sticks with pepperoni slices. After work, wine is a must have and it’s usually a small snack/micro meal.
Writing it out, it really isn’t all that bad – but I feel like I can have to potential to eat too many nuts. LOL – You won’t hear me saying something like that every day …
I have a bowflex at home I’m cranking out some workouts on and have began to walk/job from time to time. I’m not as motivated to work out as I’d like to be – but I’m working on it. Work has been stressing me out beyond anything – and it seems to be robbing me of my motivation and energy, so I’ve really got to isolate that and get on it.
Sagging … it’s happening. All over. My ass. My inner thighs. My arms. MY ABDOMEN. Saggy McSaggerton here, at your service. I’m certain I’ll be able to take flight at some point with my wing span, like a sugar glider. That may be actually fantastic. I’m not concerned with any area except my stomach. One day, I’d like to take my shirt off at the beach and not feel like I’m wearing a hefty bag of skin – so I’m hoping I can do that myself through exercise and hydration – but I am not opposed to surgery. Time will tell. I have a surgeon in mind here in Florida who I’m planning on getting a few quotes from just for reference, so I know exactly how much in the hole I’ll be when the time comes.
My wife is having her sleeve on 12/19 – and she starts liquids this coming Monday. I can’t even begin to express how excited I am for her! This is going to change her life and her health. She is currently a diabetic – and I know since she is so newly diagnosed, she has about a 95% chance of her diabetes being completely reversed – which is amazing.
This is the best Christmas gift we could have given eachother – the gift of life and love. The gift of knowing that we will be able to be around for eachother even longer than before.
2012 is going to be our best year yet and I’ve never been so excited or felt as accomplished as I do right now.
Anyway – 2.5 months post op – 85lbs down. I feel healthy and fantastic. I’ve went from a 6o” waist to a 46” in that time. From 4xl PJ pants to a regular ole XL. Fantastic feeling – to be able to go to a place like WalMart and actually find something that fits. Shirts went from a 4xl to a 2xl for the most part. I’ve lost bout 30+ inches. I’m noticing I graze at work throughout the day. It’s nothing unhealthy – usually nuts and dried cranberries, but I don’t want to get into the habit of shoving things in my face throughout the day. My meals seem wholesome thus far. A typical day is egg for breakfast with a slice of cheese, protein shake on the way to work (around noon time), nuts and dried berries munched on until dinner break at 5:00pm – which is usually something protein rich like tuna or something of the sort with a small slice of bread (a flat mini 50 calorie thingy), after dinner between then and the time I go home I’m usually munching on some more mixed nuts/berries and cheese sticks with pepperoni slices. After work, wine is a must have and it’s usually a small snack/micro meal.
Writing it out, it really isn’t all that bad – but I feel like I can have to potential to eat too many nuts. LOL – You won’t hear me saying something like that every day …
I have a bowflex at home I’m cranking out some workouts on and have began to walk/job from time to time. I’m not as motivated to work out as I’d like to be – but I’m working on it. Work has been stressing me out beyond anything – and it seems to be robbing me of my motivation and energy, so I’ve really got to isolate that and get on it.
Sagging … it’s happening. All over. My ass. My inner thighs. My arms. MY ABDOMEN. Saggy McSaggerton here, at your service. I’m certain I’ll be able to take flight at some point with my wing span, like a sugar glider. That may be actually fantastic. I’m not concerned with any area except my stomach. One day, I’d like to take my shirt off at the beach and not feel like I’m wearing a hefty bag of skin – so I’m hoping I can do that myself through exercise and hydration – but I am not opposed to surgery. Time will tell. I have a surgeon in mind here in Florida who I’m planning on getting a few quotes from just for reference, so I know exactly how much in the hole I’ll be when the time comes.
My wife is having her sleeve on 12/19 – and she starts liquids this coming Monday. I can’t even begin to express how excited I am for her! This is going to change her life and her health. She is currently a diabetic – and I know since she is so newly diagnosed, she has about a 95% chance of her diabetes being completely reversed – which is amazing.
This is the best Christmas gift we could have given eachother – the gift of life and love. The gift of knowing that we will be able to be around for eachother even longer than before.
2012 is going to be our best year yet and I’ve never been so excited or felt as accomplished as I do right now.
Monday, November 7, 2011
7 week update...
7 weeks out today - and 70 lbs down. How insane. This has been one hell of an amazing journey.
I returned to work last Tuesday. The first week was very hard. I stayed very tired after only 1/2 of my full shift. Not ideal, but I know it will get better as time goes.
Food wise, I can eat about anything - just obviously not a lot of it. I'm doing ok on protein most days - doing decently on calories 3/4 of the time. My real struggle is drinking enough. I know I am dehydrated, because I'm lucky to get 20oz in - which is not even close to being good, so I've got to work on that.
Life in general is good. I have my life back. I can walk, I can run up the stairs and not get winded. I am off of all prescription medication. High blood pressure: cured. Sleep apnea: cured. High Cholesterol: cured. Depression/Anxiety: cured. I am, for the first time, secure in myself. I feel like I can do anything.
My birthday is 11/9 - and this is the best gift I've ever given myself. No regrets.
I returned to work last Tuesday. The first week was very hard. I stayed very tired after only 1/2 of my full shift. Not ideal, but I know it will get better as time goes.
Food wise, I can eat about anything - just obviously not a lot of it. I'm doing ok on protein most days - doing decently on calories 3/4 of the time. My real struggle is drinking enough. I know I am dehydrated, because I'm lucky to get 20oz in - which is not even close to being good, so I've got to work on that.
Life in general is good. I have my life back. I can walk, I can run up the stairs and not get winded. I am off of all prescription medication. High blood pressure: cured. Sleep apnea: cured. High Cholesterol: cured. Depression/Anxiety: cured. I am, for the first time, secure in myself. I feel like I can do anything.
My birthday is 11/9 - and this is the best gift I've ever given myself. No regrets.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
One Month Surgiversary
Well, Wednesday was my 1 month Surgiversary ... on Wednesday, I had a total of 57lbs lost and 20 inches gone. As of today - you can move that 57 up to 60lbs gone total. I'm a little sick, but feeling great when it comes to my stomach. One little downside is I can't swallow large pills. I have a blood disorder that makes me VERY prone to infection. I currently have an infection in a lymph node in my neck ... something I had surgery for in March, but has returned. Doc put me on some hardcore antibiotics ... but in liquid form. I went to CVS to pick up said liquid .... 9 ... as in NINE HUGE bottles (16oz) of liquid antibiotics. 4 teaspoons 2x a day. The flavor isn't bad ... it isn't good, but it isn't bad. It burns a tad though ... like, my esophagus and tummy. It's also a LOT to take in. I use a medicine syringe so I'm not swallowing in a lot ... but it's 4 medicine syringes worth. Bleh. I'm drinking an EAS protein shake right after and it's coating my throat and I'm definitely not feeling like I just swallowed a lava ball. LOL
Now, back to surgery and whatnot. I can eat about anything. I had some Sushi for dinner last night. For some reason the Nori didn't sit right, so I unrolled it and removed the nori, and it went down well. I can't eat it in a bite or two like normal, I cut it into 1/4's and use a fork ... and chew chew chew. Still ... amazing. I don't eat red meat, so I can't attest to that. Most people say red meat is hard on the sleeve. I've tried some chicken. Depending on how it's cooked is that matters. If it's dry ... not even a chance at being a pleasant experience. If it's very moist and soft, it's not bad as long as I chew chew chew. Seems to be the story of my life. LOL.
Long story even longer ... this gift I gave myself ... this surgery ... this fantastic tool, has not only changed my life - but saved it. I am off all prescription meds (other than my gallons of antibiotics). My sleep apnea is about non existent. My wife said I barely snore, and I don't stop breathing in my sleep. For months, I couldn't walk more than a few minutes. Now, I walk circles around my wife. I can grocery shop, walk the mall, anything I want. I can go anywhere. I still have some back pain - but it's a different kind of pain. It's my body having to adjust to the new weight.
I find that my perception of portion sizes has changed. I am AMAZED at how much people eat. I was at the grocery store the other day and saw this family. Mom and Dad were absolutely Huge ... their children - also morbidly obese. Like ... to the 11th degree. As I walked by with my cart of protein shakes, vegetarian 'meat' and tofu - I sneaked a peek at their cart. It was full to the brim with processed garbage. Pizza rolls, chips, cookies, frozen pizzas, frozen lasagna, pop tarts ... My heart began to hurt. I thought, My God ... I used to be them. I used to be as lost as they are. I used to fill my cart with nothing but SHIT. I used to put SHIT in my body and could never come to grips with why my body and my life turned to SHIT. I sat there, in the middle of the store, tears rolling down my face - thanking God for a 2nd chance at life. My prayer was that they, too, have their eyes opened to health before it's too late.
I have never felt so free, so liberated, so in control. I went and applied to take some college courses ... something I'd NEVER do when I was so fat I couldn't walk the campus. I walked all over that campus yesterday - no pain. Up and down stairs, passing by the elevators. This is truly a new beginning. One I am more thankful for than I could ever really express.
Enjoy some before and afters! I know I am enjoying the afters a hell of a lot more than I ever enjoyed the befores!
Now, back to surgery and whatnot. I can eat about anything. I had some Sushi for dinner last night. For some reason the Nori didn't sit right, so I unrolled it and removed the nori, and it went down well. I can't eat it in a bite or two like normal, I cut it into 1/4's and use a fork ... and chew chew chew. Still ... amazing. I don't eat red meat, so I can't attest to that. Most people say red meat is hard on the sleeve. I've tried some chicken. Depending on how it's cooked is that matters. If it's dry ... not even a chance at being a pleasant experience. If it's very moist and soft, it's not bad as long as I chew chew chew. Seems to be the story of my life. LOL.
Long story even longer ... this gift I gave myself ... this surgery ... this fantastic tool, has not only changed my life - but saved it. I am off all prescription meds (other than my gallons of antibiotics). My sleep apnea is about non existent. My wife said I barely snore, and I don't stop breathing in my sleep. For months, I couldn't walk more than a few minutes. Now, I walk circles around my wife. I can grocery shop, walk the mall, anything I want. I can go anywhere. I still have some back pain - but it's a different kind of pain. It's my body having to adjust to the new weight.
I find that my perception of portion sizes has changed. I am AMAZED at how much people eat. I was at the grocery store the other day and saw this family. Mom and Dad were absolutely Huge ... their children - also morbidly obese. Like ... to the 11th degree. As I walked by with my cart of protein shakes, vegetarian 'meat' and tofu - I sneaked a peek at their cart. It was full to the brim with processed garbage. Pizza rolls, chips, cookies, frozen pizzas, frozen lasagna, pop tarts ... My heart began to hurt. I thought, My God ... I used to be them. I used to be as lost as they are. I used to fill my cart with nothing but SHIT. I used to put SHIT in my body and could never come to grips with why my body and my life turned to SHIT. I sat there, in the middle of the store, tears rolling down my face - thanking God for a 2nd chance at life. My prayer was that they, too, have their eyes opened to health before it's too late.
I have never felt so free, so liberated, so in control. I went and applied to take some college courses ... something I'd NEVER do when I was so fat I couldn't walk the campus. I walked all over that campus yesterday - no pain. Up and down stairs, passing by the elevators. This is truly a new beginning. One I am more thankful for than I could ever really express.
Enjoy some before and afters! I know I am enjoying the afters a hell of a lot more than I ever enjoyed the befores!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Ch ch ch changes ...
I'll be a month post op this coming Wednesday. I'm down a total of 56 lbs and feeling great. My energy level is better after incorporating some vitamins into my diet. I've been walking some and whatnot - but I'm ready to get more active. I have P90X that I've NEVER used ... and tomorrow is the day. I'm starting P90X ... and hoping I don't fall over and croak or bust through my floor. LOL
I'm able to eat about anything. I just graduated to regular foods ... although some still don't sit as great as others. At the moment, I'm nibbling on baby carrots and a touch of hummus. It's the first raw veggie I've had since surgery, and it's sitting very well in my stomach. I'm looking forward to a small salad within the next couple of days. Dinner tonight was a little piece of broiled lemon pepper catfish with a little side of some green beans mixed with reduced fat feta and kidney beans.
I managed about 1/3 of the small filet of fish and a few mini forkfuls of the veggies and I was full. It was delish. I ate a little too fast and that caused some minor discomfort, but I was able to walk it off and now feel fine.
I've been noticing I am feeling sort of hungry ... not like I used to, but just like ... I really should eat something. LOL. I feel most 'hungry' in the morning when I wake up, and it doesn't take much to make me feel satisfied.
In the beginning, I questioned my decision to get sleeved since I had so much pain and discomfort .... but now I love this sleeve. I love love LOVE it. I love the restriction. I love the weight loss. I love the way I can move and how I feel. I LOVE THAT I CAN SEE MY FEET ... (among other things ...............:o ). This is the best decision I have EVER made for myself. My wife is getting more excited for her sleeve surgery in December. We can't help but think of how fantastic our lives will be after it's all over.
We're planning a vow renewal ceremony (since we just ran off an eloped alone at the courthouse), and we're even going to take ballroom dance lessons next year after her sleeve and we both lean up some more, so our first dance can be something spectacular. If you would have told me a year ago I'd be considering ballroom dancing, I'd have told you that you had stones in your head. I have my life back. I'm in control of it - not food, not my stomach. ME. As it should be.
Life is good. No ... life is GREAT.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Drained like WOAH ...
Ok ... this kinda blows. I'm still in a minor stall. I'm losing a few ounces a day if I'm lucky. At the beginning of my recovery, I had energy for DAYS and felt like superman. Now ... not so much. I'm feeling very irritable and weak. I walked the dog today (3/4 mile), took out the trash and did a few odds and ends in the kitchen ... and napped for nearly 2 hours. It's like everything I do is a feat of strength and endurance ... which I seem to have none of.
I don't know what it is - or what has me so blah and moody. Vitamin wise, I'm taking a multi vitamin and also taking a calcium chew. I bought some sub lingual B-12's, but haven't started them yet. I also have a prescription refill of Vitamin D I haven't picked up yet. I wonder if the B-12 and D is why I'm feeling shit-tastic.
Either way, it's unpleasant. I'm quiet and irritable ... kind of like a man period. My weight loss is sitting at 53lbs and not budging very fast at all. Still though, 53lbs in a month is nothing to sneeze at - so I'm trying to be proud of where I am.
Even though I'm whiny and grumpy - I still don't regret my sleeve. I'm learning to love the restriction (most of the time anyway), and looking forward to this stall being OVER.
I don't know what it is - or what has me so blah and moody. Vitamin wise, I'm taking a multi vitamin and also taking a calcium chew. I bought some sub lingual B-12's, but haven't started them yet. I also have a prescription refill of Vitamin D I haven't picked up yet. I wonder if the B-12 and D is why I'm feeling shit-tastic.
Either way, it's unpleasant. I'm quiet and irritable ... kind of like a man period. My weight loss is sitting at 53lbs and not budging very fast at all. Still though, 53lbs in a month is nothing to sneeze at - so I'm trying to be proud of where I am.
Even though I'm whiny and grumpy - I still don't regret my sleeve. I'm learning to love the restriction (most of the time anyway), and looking forward to this stall being OVER.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Vomiting 2 days in a row. UGH!
UGH ... So, I threw up yesterday after a little bit of mashed potato ... and threw up tonight after a bit of hummus and cheese on a low carb tortilla. I'm trying to get more calories and protein in ... but failing miserably. I've decided to take a step back on my diet and go back to soups for a couple of days. I'm not going to puree them - but I know they will be easier on the sleeve. I think I may be eating too fast - causing the vomiting. It feels like it's more the contents of my esophagus coming up rather than the contents of my stomach ... as there's not a lot of gagging right before the initial hurl. It's more a heavy cough and POOF - there it comes.
I've been feeling very tired and weak/drained lately. I know it's cause I'm not getting in what I need. I'm going to resume all vitamins I can tomorrow and try to really get in more protein and take it easy on activity.
Even after all of this - I still love my sleeve. I haven't weighed in days. My wife re-hid the scale and I have NO idea where it is. I'm going to weigh on Monday though ... and pray I am at least a pound or two down out of this stall.
I hope everyone else is well. I'm going to try to rest and get some energy back.
Namaste.
I've been feeling very tired and weak/drained lately. I know it's cause I'm not getting in what I need. I'm going to resume all vitamins I can tomorrow and try to really get in more protein and take it easy on activity.
Even after all of this - I still love my sleeve. I haven't weighed in days. My wife re-hid the scale and I have NO idea where it is. I'm going to weigh on Monday though ... and pray I am at least a pound or two down out of this stall.
I hope everyone else is well. I'm going to try to rest and get some energy back.
Namaste.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A whole new world ...
I went grocery shopping alone for the first time in a while. Usually, my wife handled that because my back hurt too much to walk the store.
It is VERY different experience shopping for a bariatric tummy. I'm having a hard time having meat - so I picked up some tofu for the protein. I've honestly never had tofu before - but I'm looking forward to playing around with it.
I'm feeling like I wish I could eat more. I know that sounds crazy, but I can barely get in more than a few bites before having some discomfort ... and I just wish I could get more in so I can have a fair shot at getting in protein and whatnot.
Other than having a micro-tummy ... I'm doing pretty fantastically. No real regrets - just a few bouts of general blahness about not being able to eat at all - but I know it will come in time.
Hope everyone is well.
It is VERY different experience shopping for a bariatric tummy. I'm having a hard time having meat - so I picked up some tofu for the protein. I've honestly never had tofu before - but I'm looking forward to playing around with it.
I'm feeling like I wish I could eat more. I know that sounds crazy, but I can barely get in more than a few bites before having some discomfort ... and I just wish I could get more in so I can have a fair shot at getting in protein and whatnot.
Other than having a micro-tummy ... I'm doing pretty fantastically. No real regrets - just a few bouts of general blahness about not being able to eat at all - but I know it will come in time.
Hope everyone is well.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Ah ... the dreaded STALL ... I've been expecting you.
Here I am - smack dab in my dreaded 3 week stall. Damn it all. I knew it was coming - I even had my wife hide the scale ... only for me to rummage around the house and find it today ... weigh in and become DISGUSTED. UGH UGH UGH!!! I hate this stall. I've gone from 355 to 358 down to 357 and staying within those 3 lbs up and down.
I'm not allowing myself a pity party about it. I've still lost 50lbs in less than 3 weeks - and that's TREMENDOUS! I know that I've got to adjust my diet and activity level. In these first few weeks after surgery, I wasn't counting ANYTHING calorie or protein wise. I was just focusing on getting in what ever I could manage to get in.
I KNOW that I'm not getting in NEARLY enough protein and I know I got in too many carbs this weekend with my mom's birthday and having a few mushed up bites of cake. I also know I'm not exercising enough, and I've got to step it up. So, starting tomorrow - I'm going to REALLY try to get in at least HALF of my daily protein and watch what I eat and make it a point to walk walk walk or ride the bike. My office has a gym, so I may sneak in there and work out while I drop my wife off to work, since we work in the same place. I just have to be shady because I'm not returning until November 1st.
All in all, I am doing well. Loving life - learning what I can and cannot eat and how much is too much. I haven't vomited once at all ... even when I had surgery - even though I've come close. I'm looking forward to taking my body to the next level and learning to live with this very temperamental sleeve. LOL.
One thing I have noticed is a hard time handling cheese. I haven't really drank cow's milk ... as I mainly drink almond milk, but I've noticed a very queasy feeling after cheese. Doc said it's possible to become intolerant of lactose post op, but it can also be temporary too. He said if I'm still having issues in a month or so, then to move to a product like Lactaid to help.
I hope you all are well!
I'm not allowing myself a pity party about it. I've still lost 50lbs in less than 3 weeks - and that's TREMENDOUS! I know that I've got to adjust my diet and activity level. In these first few weeks after surgery, I wasn't counting ANYTHING calorie or protein wise. I was just focusing on getting in what ever I could manage to get in.
I KNOW that I'm not getting in NEARLY enough protein and I know I got in too many carbs this weekend with my mom's birthday and having a few mushed up bites of cake. I also know I'm not exercising enough, and I've got to step it up. So, starting tomorrow - I'm going to REALLY try to get in at least HALF of my daily protein and watch what I eat and make it a point to walk walk walk or ride the bike. My office has a gym, so I may sneak in there and work out while I drop my wife off to work, since we work in the same place. I just have to be shady because I'm not returning until November 1st.
All in all, I am doing well. Loving life - learning what I can and cannot eat and how much is too much. I haven't vomited once at all ... even when I had surgery - even though I've come close. I'm looking forward to taking my body to the next level and learning to live with this very temperamental sleeve. LOL.
One thing I have noticed is a hard time handling cheese. I haven't really drank cow's milk ... as I mainly drink almond milk, but I've noticed a very queasy feeling after cheese. Doc said it's possible to become intolerant of lactose post op, but it can also be temporary too. He said if I'm still having issues in a month or so, then to move to a product like Lactaid to help.
I hope you all are well!
Monday, October 3, 2011
50lbs down ...
Hey all, I know I've been M.I.A. lately. This weekend was a surprise 50th birthday party for my Mom that I've been planning for a year - so I've been busy the past week with the final touches. It went FANTASTIC!
Anywho, on to gastric happenings ... I'm down 50lbs since 9/13/11 when I began the liquid diet. I'm feeling great with the weight loss. It is definitely starting to slow down and I'm approaching the dreaded stall. I've made a habit of weighing every day ... multiple times, and I've got to stop. Yesterday, I was 355, today 356.8 ... then back down again I'm sure after I crap. LOL. Either way, I was expecting the stall - especially as I've started different food phases, and I KNOW I'm not getting in enough protein - so it's to be expected. I'm not going to flip out about it and not weigh again until next Monday for my own sanity. I just had my wife remove the scale from the bathroom and hide it while I'm typing this ...
Foods are going ok - I haven't thrown up at all - even after surgery. I'm doing better getting liquids in ... I'm getting in about 40oz a day ... which isn't where I need to be, but better than where I was.
So far, everything is going well ... and despite not being able to eat more than a bite or two - I'm loving my sleeve and glad I did this. It's been, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done - but so glad I did it. :)
Anywho, on to gastric happenings ... I'm down 50lbs since 9/13/11 when I began the liquid diet. I'm feeling great with the weight loss. It is definitely starting to slow down and I'm approaching the dreaded stall. I've made a habit of weighing every day ... multiple times, and I've got to stop. Yesterday, I was 355, today 356.8 ... then back down again I'm sure after I crap. LOL. Either way, I was expecting the stall - especially as I've started different food phases, and I KNOW I'm not getting in enough protein - so it's to be expected. I'm not going to flip out about it and not weigh again until next Monday for my own sanity. I just had my wife remove the scale from the bathroom and hide it while I'm typing this ...
Foods are going ok - I haven't thrown up at all - even after surgery. I'm doing better getting liquids in ... I'm getting in about 40oz a day ... which isn't where I need to be, but better than where I was.
So far, everything is going well ... and despite not being able to eat more than a bite or two - I'm loving my sleeve and glad I did this. It's been, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done - but so glad I did it. :)
Saturday, September 24, 2011
My mind is BLOWN!!!
When I started my liquid diet (last Tuesday) ... I was 406. The day I left the hospital (this past Wednesday), I was at 386. I just weighed today ... 371.
35lbs lost in like 11 days. WHAT???
CRAZY!!!
I've been having a hard time this week wondering if I did the right thing ...
The answer is YES. YES I DID!
Also, today is the first day of NO PAIN MEDICINE! Looking forward to going out with the Mrs. tomorrow - just for a drive and to get out of the house for a while. God is so good.
35lbs lost in like 11 days. WHAT???
CRAZY!!!
I've been having a hard time this week wondering if I did the right thing ...
The answer is YES. YES I DID!
Also, today is the first day of NO PAIN MEDICINE! Looking forward to going out with the Mrs. tomorrow - just for a drive and to get out of the house for a while. God is so good.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Summary of my Gastric Sleeve experience
Well, surgery was this past Monday. My wife and I arrived at Physicians Regional Hospital in Naples, FL at 6:30 Monday morning. I was processed into preop and surgery was set to start at 8:15am. I had an IV started, a shot of Heprin in my abdomen (for blood clots .... quite painful shot), and met with the surgeon and his team. Everyone was incredibly professional and caring. Dr. Bass answered all my questions and the anesthesiologist was very thorough in explaining his roll in the procedure. My wife and mother were there with me until I was wheeled into the O.R.
Once in the O.R., I got a shot of morphine to mellow me out and was strapped down to the operating bed - and a little freaked out. Before I knew it - I was out cold. The whole procedure took about 2 hours. I had some bleeding and breathing complications - but it wasn't anything they were unable to control, and their fast response was fantastic.
I woke up in recovery so confused and being moved upstairs to my room. I remember being in a tremendous amount of pain and having the breathing bag on me with someone pumping it. I didn't like that. They had to roll me on my side to slip a board under me to get me in my bed - and I wailed the whole time. The pain was incredible. As soon as I was in bed and had oxygen on and my heart monitors hooked up - I was given a hefty dose of morphine and dilaudid and all was well with the world.
Day one was spent in and out of a drug induced state, I got up and walked a little - and got more drugs. I was unable to even have ice chips, so I used mouth moistening swabs to help with cotton mouth. I had some friends come to see me during that evening - and it was great.
Day two started off with a leak test. I was wheeled down to x-ray and had to lay flat for some belly pics, then drink some NASTY barium. It was clear and thick - and left a HORRIBLE taste in my mouth. So, I stood with my back on a plate and had a curved x-ray thing moving up and down against my stomach as I drank 2 large sips of the nastiness. I got to watch on a monitor the barium travel down my esophagus and into my stomach - then deposit into my small intestine. Very weird! I was cleared - no leaks!
Day 3, I met with Dr. Bass and got the OK to get off oxygen. I had my drain removed (super freaky feeling), and was cleared for take off. I made the hour long trip back home.
First night at home was HELL. I was warned it would be - but it still sucked SO much ass. The pain meds they send you home with are no comparison to what you have while in there.
So far, I've lost 20lbs - and I haven't weighed since Wednesday. I don't plan on weighing until I get to the surgeon for a followup next Thursday.
I'm feeling ok. Still some pain, and having a VERY hard time getting in fluids - but I'm praying it gets better every day.
Once in the O.R., I got a shot of morphine to mellow me out and was strapped down to the operating bed - and a little freaked out. Before I knew it - I was out cold. The whole procedure took about 2 hours. I had some bleeding and breathing complications - but it wasn't anything they were unable to control, and their fast response was fantastic.
I woke up in recovery so confused and being moved upstairs to my room. I remember being in a tremendous amount of pain and having the breathing bag on me with someone pumping it. I didn't like that. They had to roll me on my side to slip a board under me to get me in my bed - and I wailed the whole time. The pain was incredible. As soon as I was in bed and had oxygen on and my heart monitors hooked up - I was given a hefty dose of morphine and dilaudid and all was well with the world.
Day one was spent in and out of a drug induced state, I got up and walked a little - and got more drugs. I was unable to even have ice chips, so I used mouth moistening swabs to help with cotton mouth. I had some friends come to see me during that evening - and it was great.
Day two started off with a leak test. I was wheeled down to x-ray and had to lay flat for some belly pics, then drink some NASTY barium. It was clear and thick - and left a HORRIBLE taste in my mouth. So, I stood with my back on a plate and had a curved x-ray thing moving up and down against my stomach as I drank 2 large sips of the nastiness. I got to watch on a monitor the barium travel down my esophagus and into my stomach - then deposit into my small intestine. Very weird! I was cleared - no leaks!
Day 3, I met with Dr. Bass and got the OK to get off oxygen. I had my drain removed (super freaky feeling), and was cleared for take off. I made the hour long trip back home.
First night at home was HELL. I was warned it would be - but it still sucked SO much ass. The pain meds they send you home with are no comparison to what you have while in there.
So far, I've lost 20lbs - and I haven't weighed since Wednesday. I don't plan on weighing until I get to the surgeon for a followup next Thursday.
I'm feeling ok. Still some pain, and having a VERY hard time getting in fluids - but I'm praying it gets better every day.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Here we go!!!
We're leaving for the hospital in about 3 hours ... and I could just fall over dead. I'm getting super nervous and have wicked heart burn. I made sure to shampoo my belly hair in the shower so I'm squeaky clean for the doc. LOL.
The hospital is about an hour away ... and I have to be there at 6:45. I feel like I'm going to have a damn stroke before I even get there. I've been talking to the Man upstairs all night - pretty much giving Him everything short of a Power Point Presentation of WHY exactly he should keep me around.
Everyone's kind words have really touched my heart. My wife packed her laptop (it's much smaller and lighter than mine), so I'll be sure to post asap. I also plan on posting a video from my iPhone (as long as the hospital has decent WiFi) - so check it from time to time.
See you on the losers bench!
The hospital is about an hour away ... and I have to be there at 6:45. I feel like I'm going to have a damn stroke before I even get there. I've been talking to the Man upstairs all night - pretty much giving Him everything short of a Power Point Presentation of WHY exactly he should keep me around.
Everyone's kind words have really touched my heart. My wife packed her laptop (it's much smaller and lighter than mine), so I'll be sure to post asap. I also plan on posting a video from my iPhone (as long as the hospital has decent WiFi) - so check it from time to time.
See you on the losers bench!
Friday, September 9, 2011
It's not you … it's me.
So my wife had her first consult with Dr. Bass today, and I was there for moral support for her as she was for me. I had thought last night I might ask if I could move up my surgery by a week since my insurance was approved a little faster than expected ...
I didn't sleep all night wondering what the Dr. would say ...
Groggy and frazzled, I asked ... and they accepted! My surgery is now scheduled for 9/19!!! I start my liquid diet this Monday ... and I'm ready. I'm nervous about it ... my addiction is suddenly gone in a few days and I've got to face that - but I'm prepared and stoked!!
This is the last weekend of 'food freedom' I'll ever have, as I start liquid pre op on Monday. I am approaching this, oddly enough, with mixed feelings. I'm not doubting the surgery or anything, or even doubting my ability to adhere to the strict guidelines - I think it's more that I am beginning to mourn the life long relationship I've had with food. Part of me feels it's HOARD time and to stuff in what I can this weekend ... part of me is ready for Monday to get here already. I've talked it over with my wife and have come to this conclusion ... whatever happens this weekend - it will be guilt free. If I have a little (or a lot) too much of whatever - it's ok. I'm not going to continue the cycle of negativity and self hatred that we all have been used to. Will I drink in excess this weekend ... you bet your sweet ass I will. Will I enjoy one last liason with my illicit love affair with sweet sugary sensations ... perhaps I will, and that's ok.
I have never felt more in control. It's no longer a question of IF I'll ever lose this weight. It's now WHEN. I know, come Monday morning - I regain control of my life. I take the reigns back and steer myself in the direction I see myself going in to - and not having to settle on ANYTHING anymore.
Good bye, my old love. It's not you ... it's me.
I didn't sleep all night wondering what the Dr. would say ...
Groggy and frazzled, I asked ... and they accepted! My surgery is now scheduled for 9/19!!! I start my liquid diet this Monday ... and I'm ready. I'm nervous about it ... my addiction is suddenly gone in a few days and I've got to face that - but I'm prepared and stoked!!
This is the last weekend of 'food freedom' I'll ever have, as I start liquid pre op on Monday. I am approaching this, oddly enough, with mixed feelings. I'm not doubting the surgery or anything, or even doubting my ability to adhere to the strict guidelines - I think it's more that I am beginning to mourn the life long relationship I've had with food. Part of me feels it's HOARD time and to stuff in what I can this weekend ... part of me is ready for Monday to get here already. I've talked it over with my wife and have come to this conclusion ... whatever happens this weekend - it will be guilt free. If I have a little (or a lot) too much of whatever - it's ok. I'm not going to continue the cycle of negativity and self hatred that we all have been used to. Will I drink in excess this weekend ... you bet your sweet ass I will. Will I enjoy one last liason with my illicit love affair with sweet sugary sensations ... perhaps I will, and that's ok.
I have never felt more in control. It's no longer a question of IF I'll ever lose this weight. It's now WHEN. I know, come Monday morning - I regain control of my life. I take the reigns back and steer myself in the direction I see myself going in to - and not having to settle on ANYTHING anymore.
Good bye, my old love. It's not you ... it's me.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Insurance FINALLY did somethin' right!
My surgeon's office just called me about submitting my paperwork through for approval ...
AND IT WAS APPROVED!!!!!
I'm so excited I could just about shit. Well ... not that drastic, but close enough. I was TERRIFIED something was going to go wrong and they would give me the runaround ... but I can rest easy for the next 19 days and know it's really going to happen. God is so good.
AND IT WAS APPROVED!!!!!
I'm so excited I could just about shit. Well ... not that drastic, but close enough. I was TERRIFIED something was going to go wrong and they would give me the runaround ... but I can rest easy for the next 19 days and know it's really going to happen. God is so good.
20 days ...
One thing's for sure, nothing makes a person more aware of their weight and their level of fattness than this process for surgery. With Aetna's 3 month hoop jumping, I've never been more aware of my size ... and never been more depressed by it. I think, what in my life allowed me to get this out of control with eating? What part of me shut down reason when the scale stayed on an upward climb? How could I, am man of reason, justify getting this big? The truth is ... I can't.
I stand now, feeling naked in a crowd, and face my embarassment. I lay it all out there. Yes, I am morbidly obese. I am currently the fattest I have ever been. But that's not the end of my story. This is not the end of the road. I've reached a fork ... and not one with a mountain of food on the other end of it. On one side, I have the sleeve ... and health, happiness, all I ever wanted. On the other side, I have food ... every unhealthy and sinfully delicious indulgence I could ever imagine - calling my name. Beckoning me to come closer and have one more bite.
In 20 days, I will leave that all behind, and I can hardly wait. I'm trying to wrap my brain around no longer being a slave to the drive through or no longer being a slave to my stomach. I've been having an illicit love affair with food ... and I've just ended that relationship. I know I'll have never felt more free than I will when I wake up and it's done.
I've been struggling with weekend pigouts ... I can feel myself mindlessly shoveling in the goods ... knowing I'm only giving in to my addiction, and it's my brain's way of hanging on to that ONE MORE BITE ... before it's all over. The first part is admitting there is a problem ... that's the hardest.
Hi. I'm Josh ... and I'm an addict. I've battled in my past with an addiction to cocaine ... and I tell you what, that's much easier to drop than a Big Mac. I've been clean and sober 3 years (in 10 days), and haven't looked back once. I pray I can do the same with food and never look back to where I was.
20 days until the rest of my life begins - bring it on …
I stand now, feeling naked in a crowd, and face my embarassment. I lay it all out there. Yes, I am morbidly obese. I am currently the fattest I have ever been. But that's not the end of my story. This is not the end of the road. I've reached a fork ... and not one with a mountain of food on the other end of it. On one side, I have the sleeve ... and health, happiness, all I ever wanted. On the other side, I have food ... every unhealthy and sinfully delicious indulgence I could ever imagine - calling my name. Beckoning me to come closer and have one more bite.
In 20 days, I will leave that all behind, and I can hardly wait. I'm trying to wrap my brain around no longer being a slave to the drive through or no longer being a slave to my stomach. I've been having an illicit love affair with food ... and I've just ended that relationship. I know I'll have never felt more free than I will when I wake up and it's done.
I've been struggling with weekend pigouts ... I can feel myself mindlessly shoveling in the goods ... knowing I'm only giving in to my addiction, and it's my brain's way of hanging on to that ONE MORE BITE ... before it's all over. The first part is admitting there is a problem ... that's the hardest.
Hi. I'm Josh ... and I'm an addict. I've battled in my past with an addiction to cocaine ... and I tell you what, that's much easier to drop than a Big Mac. I've been clean and sober 3 years (in 10 days), and haven't looked back once. I pray I can do the same with food and never look back to where I was.
20 days until the rest of my life begins - bring it on …
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Ticking the days away....
27 days until surgery. I can’t believe it’s almost here! I just called my employer’s insurer today to set up my claim for FMLA and Short Term Disability as I plan to take a full month off of work to get acclimated to my sleeve. All of my meetings with the nutritionist are over until after surgery – and I’ve got to call my PCP tomorrow to set up an appointment for pre op blood work and an EKG. This is all so surreal, I can’t believe it’s almost that time.
In everything I do, I keep thinking … next time around, this won’t be so hard. This weekend, I was climbing my fat ass all over furniture hanging pictures in our new loft and panting like a dog in the sun. All I kept thinking was – in a few months, this won’t be as hard. When dealing with the hot Florida summer, I think – next summer – it won’t be so hard. Next summer – will be the best summer of my life, I think. I’ll be able to ENJOY life – enjoy the sun and the surf – and I will never be the same.
My wife has made the decision to get sleeved as well. She was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes – and that basically decided for her. She will be having her surgery sometime in mid-December as she begins her 3 month hoop jumping process on September 8th. I can’t begin to think of the positive impact this will have on our marriage – we both will be on the same road to health and be able to stand firm and support eachother, making our bond even stronger. I can’t wait to experience life with her and be able to have the child-free fun loving travel filled marriage we have always dreamed of. As these days dwindle down towards the chopping block, I am at peace and know in my heart – this is a gift and a blessing that I receive whole heartedly and open handedly.
Life. Is. Good.
In everything I do, I keep thinking … next time around, this won’t be so hard. This weekend, I was climbing my fat ass all over furniture hanging pictures in our new loft and panting like a dog in the sun. All I kept thinking was – in a few months, this won’t be as hard. When dealing with the hot Florida summer, I think – next summer – it won’t be so hard. Next summer – will be the best summer of my life, I think. I’ll be able to ENJOY life – enjoy the sun and the surf – and I will never be the same.
My wife has made the decision to get sleeved as well. She was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes – and that basically decided for her. She will be having her surgery sometime in mid-December as she begins her 3 month hoop jumping process on September 8th. I can’t begin to think of the positive impact this will have on our marriage – we both will be on the same road to health and be able to stand firm and support eachother, making our bond even stronger. I can’t wait to experience life with her and be able to have the child-free fun loving travel filled marriage we have always dreamed of. As these days dwindle down towards the chopping block, I am at peace and know in my heart – this is a gift and a blessing that I receive whole heartedly and open handedly.
Life. Is. Good.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
40 days and 40 nights…
... until surgery. While I was sitting at my desk pouting about the length of time until I am on that operating table/cutting board - I looked down at some tattoos I have on my forearms. I am quite inked up - with about 15 tattoos ... with all different meanings.
Let's backtrack for a moment to the 2 tattoos that gripped my heart tonight. My father took his own life in December of 2006 - in which I was filled with more emotions than I could ever describe in words. I was so angry at him, at God, at humanity. One night, in a time of prayer and reflection shortly after his suicide, I was reminded of Noah. Poor elderly Noah, commanded to build an ark because the Lord was getting ready to 'wipe the slate clean'. Noah had sent out a dove during the end of his journey. The first time, the dove had returned empty handed - letting Noah know the waters had not yet receded. The second, and most important time Noah sent the dove out, it returned with an olive branch. That olive branch signified that the waters were receding. The storm had passed. God was telling Noah, through that little twig, 'Hold on my son, this crazy journey is nearing its end'. The third time the dove was sent out, it never returned and with that Noah knew - it was over.
When my father died - and after that night of reflection, I had two doves tattooed on my forearms - one on each arm. On my right arm, the dove has an olive branch in its mouth, on the left - the dove has a heart in its mouth. Every time I look down at my doves, I am reminded of Noah - and the storm I have endured. My father's suicide was something that shook me to my very core and had me question the very faith I have devoted my life to. With my dove clenching that olive branch, I know the worst of the storm has passed - and everything from this point out is nothing but partly cloudy rain showers. The left arm, with the heart - signifies that 3rd dove. It never returned to Noah, but it returned to me that night, showing me the everlasting love of my Heavenly Father - and showing me that even though I went through that hideous storm - and will endure storms in my life - He is my Arc, He is my Umbrella, My Covering and my Shelter. My Safe Haven.
I said all that to say this ... the great flood lasted 40 days and 40 nights. It took God that time to cleanse the earth of all impurities and evil so He can restore His dream for creation. His Eden.
My body is the earth - full of impurities. These next 40 days and 40 nights until surgery will be spent purging the negativity, the impurities, the hidden skeletons that reside in my closet. My earth, my temple, my body is about to go under a dramatic transformation and become my Eden ...
'Hold on my son, this crazy journey is nearing its end' ... and a new journey is set to begin.
Let's backtrack for a moment to the 2 tattoos that gripped my heart tonight. My father took his own life in December of 2006 - in which I was filled with more emotions than I could ever describe in words. I was so angry at him, at God, at humanity. One night, in a time of prayer and reflection shortly after his suicide, I was reminded of Noah. Poor elderly Noah, commanded to build an ark because the Lord was getting ready to 'wipe the slate clean'. Noah had sent out a dove during the end of his journey. The first time, the dove had returned empty handed - letting Noah know the waters had not yet receded. The second, and most important time Noah sent the dove out, it returned with an olive branch. That olive branch signified that the waters were receding. The storm had passed. God was telling Noah, through that little twig, 'Hold on my son, this crazy journey is nearing its end'. The third time the dove was sent out, it never returned and with that Noah knew - it was over.
When my father died - and after that night of reflection, I had two doves tattooed on my forearms - one on each arm. On my right arm, the dove has an olive branch in its mouth, on the left - the dove has a heart in its mouth. Every time I look down at my doves, I am reminded of Noah - and the storm I have endured. My father's suicide was something that shook me to my very core and had me question the very faith I have devoted my life to. With my dove clenching that olive branch, I know the worst of the storm has passed - and everything from this point out is nothing but partly cloudy rain showers. The left arm, with the heart - signifies that 3rd dove. It never returned to Noah, but it returned to me that night, showing me the everlasting love of my Heavenly Father - and showing me that even though I went through that hideous storm - and will endure storms in my life - He is my Arc, He is my Umbrella, My Covering and my Shelter. My Safe Haven.
I said all that to say this ... the great flood lasted 40 days and 40 nights. It took God that time to cleanse the earth of all impurities and evil so He can restore His dream for creation. His Eden.
My body is the earth - full of impurities. These next 40 days and 40 nights until surgery will be spent purging the negativity, the impurities, the hidden skeletons that reside in my closet. My earth, my temple, my body is about to go under a dramatic transformation and become my Eden ...
'Hold on my son, this crazy journey is nearing its end' ... and a new journey is set to begin.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Kicking 10lbs worth of ass.
When I went to see the surgeon last Thursday, I was told I had gained 10lbs. I knew it was fluid since I had stopped taking my Lasix.
I went to meet with the nutritionist today and am proud to say I've shed those 10lbs in these past 4 days of Lasix. It better have dropped since I've been pissing my eyeballs out!!! Either way - I am a happy boy.
I went to meet with the nutritionist today and am proud to say I've shed those 10lbs in these past 4 days of Lasix. It better have dropped since I've been pissing my eyeballs out!!! Either way - I am a happy boy.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
10lbs of Frustration …
I met with Dr. Bass today ... and hopped on the scales. My wife has said I've lost a few inches because she can wrap her arms around me and lock her fingers behind my back - so I was a little optimistic. I have noticed some leg and ankle swelling, so I know I've been retaining water - but I didn't know how much. I hop up on the scale ... and I have a 10.4 lb gain from last month. WHAT??!?!? I am NOT a happy camper. I have never seen the scale hit 400 ... and I don't intend to. At this point, I'm 399 and some change. I'm quite certain I would have flailed all over the doctors office on my belly like a salmon out of water if I saw a '4' before the other 2 numbers.
Either way, I'm tremendously discouraged. There have only been 2 changes in my diet - one is I've been taking in 1 protein shake a day (low carb EAS or low carb Ensure High Protein) ... the other is I've been drinking a little more lately, as in booze. Generally it's about 1 malt beverage (like beer or flavored beers) a night after work ... some nights it's 2, some nights it's 0. That's only been going on for about a week - as I bought a 6 pack days ago, and still have 2 left.
I haven't been taking Lasix as I should because my job at the cable company doesn't always make it easy to pee a thousand times a day, so I've been putting it off. I really believe that is the culprit. I fell asleep in the recliner the other evening, and when I woke up that morning, my toes looked like little snausages and my feet were swollen. It hurt to walk, etc. They have never fully went down after that. I doubt one beer per night for 4 nights is going to put on 10lbs in a matter of 3.5 weeks.
I'm going to allow myself to have a pity party freak out today - and take my Lasix tonight. I'll just have to piss all night long - which is a-ok with me, if it gets that weight off. I can't let it get me too bummed, because surgery is next month and I won't see this weight ever again.
Either way, I'm tremendously discouraged. There have only been 2 changes in my diet - one is I've been taking in 1 protein shake a day (low carb EAS or low carb Ensure High Protein) ... the other is I've been drinking a little more lately, as in booze. Generally it's about 1 malt beverage (like beer or flavored beers) a night after work ... some nights it's 2, some nights it's 0. That's only been going on for about a week - as I bought a 6 pack days ago, and still have 2 left.
I haven't been taking Lasix as I should because my job at the cable company doesn't always make it easy to pee a thousand times a day, so I've been putting it off. I really believe that is the culprit. I fell asleep in the recliner the other evening, and when I woke up that morning, my toes looked like little snausages and my feet were swollen. It hurt to walk, etc. They have never fully went down after that. I doubt one beer per night for 4 nights is going to put on 10lbs in a matter of 3.5 weeks.
I'm going to allow myself to have a pity party freak out today - and take my Lasix tonight. I'll just have to piss all night long - which is a-ok with me, if it gets that weight off. I can't let it get me too bummed, because surgery is next month and I won't see this weight ever again.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Ensure ... it's not just for the geriatrics anymore .....
..... Now it's for the Bariatrics too!
Hey all ... you know this is the first place I run to when I have a protein experience ... whether it be pleasant or not. LOL.
I recently saw a commercial for Ensure. They have a new shake out that is specifically high protein. One 14oz shake is 25g of protein, 3g of Prebiotic Fiber (for the pooping), Low in fat and only 5g of sugar.
Anywho, I went over to WalMart to grab these shakes and give them a shot. They have a milk chocolate and a french vanilla flavor. I grabbed one of each. I just tried the chocolate flavor ... well ... let me rephrase that. I asked my wife to take the first sip of the chocolate flavor and to tell me if it was ghastly before I braved a sip. LOL.
When she didn't burst into flames or turn into an extra from Night Of The Living Dead, I figured I'd give it a shot. It's actually pretty good. Sweet - not funky. No protein foamy death taste like some powders are. It's very doable. It comes in a resealable individual bottle ... which I LOVE. After surgery, I doubt my gut will be able to support 14oz at once, so I can just drink what I can and stick it back in the fridge until later.
So, all in all - Ensure High Protein shakes (so far the milk chocolate flavor) get a THUMBS UP from the Ortiz household. :)
Hey all ... you know this is the first place I run to when I have a protein experience ... whether it be pleasant or not. LOL.
I recently saw a commercial for Ensure. They have a new shake out that is specifically high protein. One 14oz shake is 25g of protein, 3g of Prebiotic Fiber (for the pooping), Low in fat and only 5g of sugar.
Anywho, I went over to WalMart to grab these shakes and give them a shot. They have a milk chocolate and a french vanilla flavor. I grabbed one of each. I just tried the chocolate flavor ... well ... let me rephrase that. I asked my wife to take the first sip of the chocolate flavor and to tell me if it was ghastly before I braved a sip. LOL.
When she didn't burst into flames or turn into an extra from Night Of The Living Dead, I figured I'd give it a shot. It's actually pretty good. Sweet - not funky. No protein foamy death taste like some powders are. It's very doable. It comes in a resealable individual bottle ... which I LOVE. After surgery, I doubt my gut will be able to support 14oz at once, so I can just drink what I can and stick it back in the fridge until later.
So, all in all - Ensure High Protein shakes (so far the milk chocolate flavor) get a THUMBS UP from the Ortiz household. :)
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Synonym vs. Antonym
I feel like I haven’t posted in eleven THOUSAND days … or maybe it was about 2 weeks. It’s all the same to me. I’m a little over ½ way through with my insurance hoop jumping requirements. I have another meeting with Dr. Bass on 8/11 and I’ve got my final meeting with the nutritionist on 8/15.
I’ll have to meet with Dr. Bass again in September for my final 3 month prep stuff, then my insurance paperwork gets filed. They have me penciled in for 9/26 for surgery. I’m fairly certain these next 61 days are going to feel like 61 years.
I’m still clamoring my way through different proteins and whatnot; trying to find my tastes. I’ve purchased a Ninja Kitchen System (which is probably the bestest thing EVER) – and I’m using it to mix different shakes and protein rich goodies. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be my BFF during the soft/puree stage.
I’ve had a couple of pretty hardcore surgeries that have had me TERRIFIED in the past. Oddly enough, I’m not nervous about this surgery at all. I think I’m more apprehensive about life AFTER vertical sleeve gastrectomy than I am about actually having the procedure done. With that being said, I’m not going into this blindly or assuming it’s going to be all sunshine and unicorns and I’m going to be 388lbs on the Monday of surgery, and 225 by that Friday. I’m completely aware of all of the risks associated with removing 85-90% of one stomach innards … but I also know the risks associated with living a life as morbidly obese. The ‘morbid’ in morbidly obese isn’t just a word to make it sound serious – or a sadistic name thought up by some skinny bitch.
Let’s look at the definition of MORBID in greater detail:
mor•bid -adjective
1. Suggesting an unhealthy mental state or attitude; unwholesomely gloomy, sensitive, extreme, etc.: a morbid interest in death.
2. Affected by, caused by, causing, or characteristic of disease.
3. Pertaining to diseased parts: morbid anatomy. `
—Synonyms
-- Unwholesome, diseased, unhealthy, sick, sickly; tainted, corrupted, vitiated.
—Antonyms
-- Cheerful, healthy.
The synonyms and antonyms really got me. The opposite of what I am is cheerful and healthy. The polar opposite. To be morbidly obese is basically a polite way of saying miserably fat and diseased.
Yup – that about sums it up.
The risks of NOT having this procedure done FAR outweigh the FACTs of what WILL happen to me if I stay 388lbs. Sure, the sleeve can kill me (highly unlikely … only 0.25% of sleeve patients die as a direct result of surgery). Although the sleeve can kill me … and I’ve got a 1/4 of a percent odd of surgery related death … I’ve got a 100% guarantee of death from the obesity the surgery was created to combat.
Put like that, I’m ready to put my life in Dr. Bass’s hands (literally), and wake up reborn, redefined … and HEALTHY. I will be the synonym rather the antonym. Will you join me
I’ll have to meet with Dr. Bass again in September for my final 3 month prep stuff, then my insurance paperwork gets filed. They have me penciled in for 9/26 for surgery. I’m fairly certain these next 61 days are going to feel like 61 years.
I’m still clamoring my way through different proteins and whatnot; trying to find my tastes. I’ve purchased a Ninja Kitchen System (which is probably the bestest thing EVER) – and I’m using it to mix different shakes and protein rich goodies. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be my BFF during the soft/puree stage.
I’ve had a couple of pretty hardcore surgeries that have had me TERRIFIED in the past. Oddly enough, I’m not nervous about this surgery at all. I think I’m more apprehensive about life AFTER vertical sleeve gastrectomy than I am about actually having the procedure done. With that being said, I’m not going into this blindly or assuming it’s going to be all sunshine and unicorns and I’m going to be 388lbs on the Monday of surgery, and 225 by that Friday. I’m completely aware of all of the risks associated with removing 85-90% of one stomach innards … but I also know the risks associated with living a life as morbidly obese. The ‘morbid’ in morbidly obese isn’t just a word to make it sound serious – or a sadistic name thought up by some skinny bitch.
Let’s look at the definition of MORBID in greater detail:
mor•bid -adjective
1. Suggesting an unhealthy mental state or attitude; unwholesomely gloomy, sensitive, extreme, etc.: a morbid interest in death.
2. Affected by, caused by, causing, or characteristic of disease.
3. Pertaining to diseased parts: morbid anatomy. `
—Synonyms
-- Unwholesome, diseased, unhealthy, sick, sickly; tainted, corrupted, vitiated.
—Antonyms
-- Cheerful, healthy.
The synonyms and antonyms really got me. The opposite of what I am is cheerful and healthy. The polar opposite. To be morbidly obese is basically a polite way of saying miserably fat and diseased.
Yup – that about sums it up.
The risks of NOT having this procedure done FAR outweigh the FACTs of what WILL happen to me if I stay 388lbs. Sure, the sleeve can kill me (highly unlikely … only 0.25% of sleeve patients die as a direct result of surgery). Although the sleeve can kill me … and I’ve got a 1/4 of a percent odd of surgery related death … I’ve got a 100% guarantee of death from the obesity the surgery was created to combat.
Put like that, I’m ready to put my life in Dr. Bass’s hands (literally), and wake up reborn, redefined … and HEALTHY. I will be the synonym rather the antonym. Will you join me
Monday, July 18, 2011
Protein Salvation & Surgery Date
After having a near death experience during a tasting of Profect (GAG), I mixed up a sample packet of Unjury Chocolate Splendor I got in the mail the other day. I mixed it with 2% milk and put a little 1/2 teaspoon of chocolate PB2 powdered peanut butter. I mixed it with a stick blender and braved the first sip.
::Cue the slow motion horror music as I grimace and the cup comes to my quivering lips::
NOW:::
::Cue the choirs of angels singing their praises all in perfect harmony while I run topless through a meadow of wild flowers and spin hand in hoof with a unicorn made of cotton candy and rainbows::
Well, not that drastic ... but the stuff was actually REALLY REALLY good! I'm impressed - and SO glad I finally found something I can stomach.
Also ... surgery is scheduled for SEPTEMBER 26th!!!!
::Cue the slow motion horror music as I grimace and the cup comes to my quivering lips::
NOW:::
::Cue the choirs of angels singing their praises all in perfect harmony while I run topless through a meadow of wild flowers and spin hand in hoof with a unicorn made of cotton candy and rainbows::
Well, not that drastic ... but the stuff was actually REALLY REALLY good! I'm impressed - and SO glad I finally found something I can stomach.
Also ... surgery is scheduled for SEPTEMBER 26th!!!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Reflections & Ramblings
I’ve decided to start seeing a therapist once every 2 weeks before AND after surgery. A coworker has had the sleeve and said therapy was her saving grace. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … morbid obesity is rarely ever a food issue. It’s not about sitting around eating a thousand cheeseburgers and not lifting a finger all day. It’s a vice. A bondage. It’s the bars behind which we are imprisoned. The emotional NEED. The insatiable NEED that consumes us during times of high stress or emotion. It is our love language, our fear language, our sorrow language. We speak in bites, rather than words. Bite after bite pours down our gullets … instead of words pouring out. We bury the words with foods. We ingest our fears, stresses, sorrows, memories. The time to break the cycle is now. I am learning very very VERY slowly that I AM WORTH IT. I deserve the very best in life. No one can rob that from me. Growing up, hearing how worthless you are – hearing how you should have been aborted – hearing how fat and stupid you are – how you don’t matter … all of those things began to define me. I believed them. I began to think … you’re right, I SHOULD have been aborted. You’re right, I DON’T matter. I AM worthless. All of those things mixed together created the cement that was my foundation to adulthood. You can’t build a house on sinking sand … why would it be different for people? I built a life on my sinking sand reality. I walked every day with my head held high for the masses, and a fake smile on my face – but I had those ‘realities’ as my clothing. Hi, I’m smiling at you and seem confident … but the real me feels like I’m not even worth your time. One of my favorite songs described me in detail.
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Chorus:
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay
Chorus (x2)
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?
I felt like I was living a masquerade ball. I was living a lie, and no one really knew who the hell I was. I know I still have a lot … a whole hell of a lot … of work to do to be healthy. I could take the ‘easy’ route and only worry about physical health – but that’s almost guaranteeing to set myself up for failure. I want full body, mind, heart and spirit health. I want to look on the past and smile, and say … it’s ok. I forgive you and I love me. One day, I will stand on the other side of this and know what that kind of health feels like.
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Chorus:
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay
Chorus (x2)
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?
I felt like I was living a masquerade ball. I was living a lie, and no one really knew who the hell I was. I know I still have a lot … a whole hell of a lot … of work to do to be healthy. I could take the ‘easy’ route and only worry about physical health – but that’s almost guaranteeing to set myself up for failure. I want full body, mind, heart and spirit health. I want to look on the past and smile, and say … it’s ok. I forgive you and I love me. One day, I will stand on the other side of this and know what that kind of health feels like.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Psych Evaluation
My psych eval went pretty well. I met with Helene Schute, L.M.H.C, and she was really a fantastic person. I didn't have to take one of those crazy 600 question multiple choice tests or anything, so I'm happy about that. We just spoke about triggers for overeating, my childhood (she earned her $150 on that one) and about what my goals are after surgery. I really wish she was in network with Aetna, because I think I may go to therapy a couple of times a month after surgery to conquer the graveyard of skeletons that linger in my closet.
All in all, I'm not a psycho path, so I'm on the right path for therapy. She was impressed with my grasp of my emotions and my past, and how I am learning to dig it up and really get closure, rather than burying my feelings under mountains of food.
I am pretty happy with this experience, especially now that it's speeding up a little bit. I'm excited to see Dr. Bass next week and get instructions for the next part of this journey and ultimately make my way to a surgery date. This year is going to be an amazing journey, but the start of my new life.
All in all, I'm not a psycho path, so I'm on the right path for therapy. She was impressed with my grasp of my emotions and my past, and how I am learning to dig it up and really get closure, rather than burying my feelings under mountains of food.
I am pretty happy with this experience, especially now that it's speeding up a little bit. I'm excited to see Dr. Bass next week and get instructions for the next part of this journey and ultimately make my way to a surgery date. This year is going to be an amazing journey, but the start of my new life.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Finally Moving Forward
This month is going to be quite a busy one. I am scheduled for my psychiatric consultation bright and early tomorrow morning at 9:30. Those that know me know that I am the polar opposite of a morning person since I work nights – so this ought to be fun. I was told it takes about 90 minutes – so that shouldn’t be terrible. I have an appointment with Dr. Bass next Thursday morning to touch base and make sure we are on track with my insurance policies 90 day preparatory period. I also have another meeting with the nutritionist the week after that for another follow up.
Last time I met with the nutritionist, she wanted me to be using protein shakes as meal replacements – which haven’t been working too well. I can’t seem to find a protein I actually like yet. I’ve recently ordered protein shots (http://www.protica.com/Products/Profect.htm) that are set to come this week. I ordered 2 sample packs so I was able to get one of every flavor and give it a shot (25g of protein in each shot). I also plan on going to a whole food type store this week to check out their proteins. I was told a couple of shops locally have sample packs you can purchase – so that’s worth a look. I got Bariatric Advantage brand protein from the surgeon, and the only flavor that was semi tolerable was the banana … it kind of tasted like banana laffy taffy (https://www1.bariatricadvantage.com/catalog/list?id=24672).
Another thing I got from the surgeon was a product called PB2 (http://store.bellplantation.com/PB2-Powdered-Peanut-Butter-s/3.htm). It’s a powdered peanut butter product that has less calories and fat than even low fat PB. It’s actually pretty good. I was surprised. I can see myself using this. It’s not as sweet as traditional JIF, but it fills the peanut butter craving and is much healthier.
I have been considering starting a YouTube channel for my bariatric process and updates – so we shall see. I’ve watched countless hours of videos from all kinds of people with all kinds of surgeries and have learned so much. An important thing to remember is to not take it as gospel. Joe Blow’s experience may be nothing like Mary Smith’s experience and that’s ok. Every person is different – we just have to remember to be objective with the information we allow to root itself in our heart. We’ve all heard those horror stories of a friend of a friend had that cousin once who had an aunt that was twice removed whose hairdresser died from some form of weight loss surgery. I’m not minimizing anyone else’s experience … I’m merely saying we must consider the source and keep an open mind and heart. This sleeve will only work as good and as hard as we do. We can have the sleeve done and GAIN weight if we are not using the tool to its full capacity, or, on the other hand, we can have the sleeve and lose 200lbs and everything in life will be sunshine and rainbows. It depends on how hard we work and how hard we want it. I’m going to work that tool from surgery, not let it work me.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Serenity, Courage, Wisdom.
Today was a much better day on an emotional level. I wasn’t all grey clouds and rain showers. LOL. I’ve been learning to really address the things in my past that have created cracks and weak places in my foundation as an adult. There are so many things I’ve realized I still carry with me from my childhood and adolescence. I’ve paid a tremendous amount of lip service in denouncing all that has ever brought me down, and acting like the ‘hard ass’ I portray myself to be … when in all actuality … there’s still that little boy inside wanting attention and affection. I’m not keeping him hidden any longer. Instead, I reach deep within myself and grab his hand. I get on my knees down to his level and I cry with him. I begin to heal his broken heart, so the adult whom he has become can heal as well.
So many disappointments, so many tears – years and years of rage and regrets have manifested into pounds. Years of feeling inadequate, unloved and unworthy have translated into one more unhealthy meal, one more binge … one more bite. Bite by bite, I have destroyed myself. I have drowned that little boy in milkshakes and cheeseburgers. I have silenced him with pizza and alcohol. I’ve been guilty of doing to him what everyone else did … pushing him aside for selfish reasons.
The difference now, however, is that I get it. I see it. I know it. I can look boldly to my past and stand up and say … ‘Yes, you have won many battles … but I’m here to tell you … I’m claiming the victory for the whole damn war’. I win.
Obesity is never JUST a food issue. It’s the manifestation of a vice – a bondage – an addiction. When you see someone on the streets stumbling and slurring with a wine bottle in hand, their behavior and outer appearance is a manifestation of their condition. Their pain and torment caused them to take that drink and get to where they are today. It’s no different with obesity. What you see on the outside of me, was a feeble attempt to apply salve to my wounds in the form of food. Just because it wasn’t a bottle to my lips, or some powder snorted in my nose, or a needle in my vein – doesn’t make it any less harmful or any less deadly.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
That is the prayer spoken by millions of members of any 12-step style program.
Let’s dissect that, shall we?
se•ren•i•ty –noun, plural
-the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness.
Grant me the calm state of being to look at my life; to see the big picture and to accept what it has become. Allow me to find tranquility in the things that I cannot change and learn to love them as they are.
cour•age - noun
-the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
Grant me the ability to stand as David stood while facing Goliath – fearless and steadfast. Give me the bravery to face my giant with nothing but a stone and a sling and have the confidence to use the tool I’ve been provided and succeed once and for all.
wis•dom –noun
-the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.
Allow me to be smart enough to know and to accept what I CAN change. Let me discern what is possible instead of setting myself up for failure by meddling in the IMpossible. Let me KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW what I can change as well as giving me the common sense to change it.
This is my mantra. This is what I have to think on and meditate on every second of every hour of ever day. My weight is something I CAN change. My childhood is not. I can’t continue to eat away the pain, because if I keep trying … I’ll just keep getting fatter and fatter until those who tormented me will get their ultimate wish … my demise. Letting go is sometimes the hardest part, but one finger at a time – I release.
So many disappointments, so many tears – years and years of rage and regrets have manifested into pounds. Years of feeling inadequate, unloved and unworthy have translated into one more unhealthy meal, one more binge … one more bite. Bite by bite, I have destroyed myself. I have drowned that little boy in milkshakes and cheeseburgers. I have silenced him with pizza and alcohol. I’ve been guilty of doing to him what everyone else did … pushing him aside for selfish reasons.
The difference now, however, is that I get it. I see it. I know it. I can look boldly to my past and stand up and say … ‘Yes, you have won many battles … but I’m here to tell you … I’m claiming the victory for the whole damn war’. I win.
Obesity is never JUST a food issue. It’s the manifestation of a vice – a bondage – an addiction. When you see someone on the streets stumbling and slurring with a wine bottle in hand, their behavior and outer appearance is a manifestation of their condition. Their pain and torment caused them to take that drink and get to where they are today. It’s no different with obesity. What you see on the outside of me, was a feeble attempt to apply salve to my wounds in the form of food. Just because it wasn’t a bottle to my lips, or some powder snorted in my nose, or a needle in my vein – doesn’t make it any less harmful or any less deadly.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
That is the prayer spoken by millions of members of any 12-step style program.
Let’s dissect that, shall we?
se•ren•i•ty –noun, plural
-the state or quality of being serene, calm, or tranquil; sereneness.
Grant me the calm state of being to look at my life; to see the big picture and to accept what it has become. Allow me to find tranquility in the things that I cannot change and learn to love them as they are.
cour•age - noun
-the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
Grant me the ability to stand as David stood while facing Goliath – fearless and steadfast. Give me the bravery to face my giant with nothing but a stone and a sling and have the confidence to use the tool I’ve been provided and succeed once and for all.
wis•dom –noun
-the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight.
Allow me to be smart enough to know and to accept what I CAN change. Let me discern what is possible instead of setting myself up for failure by meddling in the IMpossible. Let me KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW what I can change as well as giving me the common sense to change it.
This is my mantra. This is what I have to think on and meditate on every second of every hour of ever day. My weight is something I CAN change. My childhood is not. I can’t continue to eat away the pain, because if I keep trying … I’ll just keep getting fatter and fatter until those who tormented me will get their ultimate wish … my demise. Letting go is sometimes the hardest part, but one finger at a time – I release.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Silver Linings
This week has seemed to have a few more emotional downs than ups. I’ve stomached a few really shitty comments – and am having a hard time digesting them properly. One main one, that I know wasn’t meant as an insult per say, but still hurt none the less. My new supervisor mentioned to me that I’ve gained a ton of weight in the last year since he’s seen me. He went on to say, “I was like … WOAH … when I saw you. Like … WOW … what happened?” I wanted to kick him in the face with a steel toe boot. I know I’ve put on a few over the last year … probably about 25-30lbs … but he made it sound like I went from 0 to 100 in 2.5 seconds flat. My nutritionists plan for a protein shake for breakfast isn’t working. My work schedule is so screwy … that I have breakfast at 10am, and don’t eat lunch until 5pm … and there is no way an 8oz water and powder mix will keep me full that long without starving and being grumpy. My brain goes back into failure mode with every hunger pain. I have a nagging sense of defeat with every bite I consume. Food has become my arch enemy … that one arch enemy you can’t live without.
I’m going to allow myself this mini pity party I’ve been having the past day or two – then give myself a swift kick in the ass with the start of this new week. My insurance does not require I lose any weight before surgery, but it’s a personal goal of mine. Hell, even if it’s only one freakin’ pound – it’s still a loss. I do NOT want to accept a gain in weight. I will not gain weight ever again. It’s only losing from this point forward. I’ve seen my highest, and I will not allow that number to be pushed up any higher than it already is. Last time I went to the surgeon’s office, I had a 3 lb weight loss. I used to think of that at something rather insignificant, however … the nutritionist gave me a good insight.
She said that when people who are morbidly obese (yours truly) lose 10 or 20 lbs, it doesn’t seem like anything because it can’t really be seen on the outside. But go to WalMart and get a 20lb bag of dog food and carry it on your back for a while. Walk up and down the aisles with it. Feel it getting heavier and weighing down on you. That’s the 20lbs you’ve lost. Sure … you’re still the same size clothes, and still fat … but you just lost ALL THAT WEIGHT!! Instead of looking at that 3lb weight loss as just a measly 3 pounds … I see it for what it really is. About the weight of ½ gallon of milk. I don’t know about you … but that really helps put it into perspective. We live in an apartment, and our unit is on the back side of the building … so we have to park our car and walk around the building to get inside. When we are bringing in groceries and I’m lugging that gallon jug – I can hardly wait to get it in the house. I just shed that off of my body. My body rid itself of that much weight. It helps me be excited about the small steps.
I am just shy of 3 weeks from my next meeting with Dr. Bass (7/14), so I’d like to see another 3lb drop. I’m not shooting for crazy high numbers or setting up myself for failure … I’m setting an eye level goal that I could just reach out and grab.
Even typing this … I’ve noticed my posture straighten up as I get this load off of my chest. I’m feeling better and relieved that I was able to vent. I’m feeling stronger and coming into focus with my goals and dreams. I can do this. I will do this. Failure is no longer in the Joshua Ortiz dictionary.
I’m going to allow myself this mini pity party I’ve been having the past day or two – then give myself a swift kick in the ass with the start of this new week. My insurance does not require I lose any weight before surgery, but it’s a personal goal of mine. Hell, even if it’s only one freakin’ pound – it’s still a loss. I do NOT want to accept a gain in weight. I will not gain weight ever again. It’s only losing from this point forward. I’ve seen my highest, and I will not allow that number to be pushed up any higher than it already is. Last time I went to the surgeon’s office, I had a 3 lb weight loss. I used to think of that at something rather insignificant, however … the nutritionist gave me a good insight.
She said that when people who are morbidly obese (yours truly) lose 10 or 20 lbs, it doesn’t seem like anything because it can’t really be seen on the outside. But go to WalMart and get a 20lb bag of dog food and carry it on your back for a while. Walk up and down the aisles with it. Feel it getting heavier and weighing down on you. That’s the 20lbs you’ve lost. Sure … you’re still the same size clothes, and still fat … but you just lost ALL THAT WEIGHT!! Instead of looking at that 3lb weight loss as just a measly 3 pounds … I see it for what it really is. About the weight of ½ gallon of milk. I don’t know about you … but that really helps put it into perspective. We live in an apartment, and our unit is on the back side of the building … so we have to park our car and walk around the building to get inside. When we are bringing in groceries and I’m lugging that gallon jug – I can hardly wait to get it in the house. I just shed that off of my body. My body rid itself of that much weight. It helps me be excited about the small steps.
I am just shy of 3 weeks from my next meeting with Dr. Bass (7/14), so I’d like to see another 3lb drop. I’m not shooting for crazy high numbers or setting up myself for failure … I’m setting an eye level goal that I could just reach out and grab.
Even typing this … I’ve noticed my posture straighten up as I get this load off of my chest. I’m feeling better and relieved that I was able to vent. I’m feeling stronger and coming into focus with my goals and dreams. I can do this. I will do this. Failure is no longer in the Joshua Ortiz dictionary.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
First Nutritionist Meeting
Today was my first appointment with the nutritionist at Gulf Coast Bariatrics. She was absolutely wonderful. The appointment lasted a little over an hour and she offered a lot of valuable input and ideas. I've lost 3 lbs since last Thursday when I met the surgeon ... so in about 6 days. I'm honestly not trying to diet or anything along that line at the moment, but I have noticed I am much more aware about what I am putting into my body. Either way, I am very pleased with the unexpected weight loss, even if it seems minimal.
While meeting with the nutritionist, we spoke about diet (obviously), protein and vitamin intake, juicing vegetables and trigger foods. She doesn't just focus on the food - but the reason behind them. We went through a typical day from breakfast through dinner - mindless eating and empty calories. She has given me a bit of a challenge to work on between now and when I see her 7/20 for my 2nd appointment. What she has suggested is that I replace my breakfast meal (usually some form of cereal) with a protein rich meal replacement shake. She's also suggested we set some basic ground rules for times when I do eat. The main ones are things like to never eat while driving (eliminating most fast food hits), also to not watch TV or eat dinner on the couch, but to sit at the table and eat without distraction. It makes sense, because being distracted during eating leads to over eating. Last but not least, I am not to drink 30 minutes before, during, and 30 minutes after meals. Reasoning for that is that liquids push food through your stomach faster into your intestines - creating more space to intake more calories. I've got quite the workload ahead of me! Once I get used to all of those changes, she's also like me to get into some light yoga. LOL, she doesn't ask too much, does she?
All of these changes are small yet imperative to my success in this journey. I am always going to be worried of failure - but I have never felt so empowered to succeed before. Dr. Bass's office is really giving me a sense of hope I've never had before. It's no longer a question of IF I lose this weight ... now it's I WILL lose this weight.
When the appointment came to a close, she gave me a little goody bag full of different sample protein meal replacement shakes and a Blender Bottle (which I was super stoked about).
I'm thinking the banana flavor will be tomorrow's breakfast. I'll be sure to post on how they are ... and give an honest opinion. I may swing by the local hippie health food store to get a few different types of protein powders this weekend. I will have to be on a liquid only diet for one week before surgery, so variety will be the spice of my bariatric life. :)
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Genesis
I'm beginning to think of myself as a Phoenix of sorts. From the ashes, I rise yet again. I have invented and re-invented myself through out my life many times - none as significant as these past several years.
My weight is always something I've struggled with. I grew up skinny as a rail until my preteen years. I took a turn down a path of insecurity and depression and food seemed to be what consoled me the most. I packed on the weight. I lost it - but always managed to pack it on again, plus a few more pounds for good measure.
It was a decision several years in the making to have weight loss surgery. I struggled with what that meant, and what I thought it signified. I spent years thinking it was the 'easy way out' ... all the while getting bigger, more miserable, unhealthier and more depressed. I became a slave to myself. Easy way out? Anything but. I have spent the last several years researching, analyzing, weighing and contemplating this decision. What does it mean for ME? What if there are complications during/after surgery? What if I DIE? What will I be able to eat/not eat? As time was ticking, and the pounds were piling ... one thing became inherently clear. If I did not do this, I wouldn't have to worry about surgery killing me ... because I was killing me. Complications from the sleeve gastrectomy are few and far between - and the chances of death are even slimmer. Complications and death from morbid obesity is not an option or a probable outcome - it is guaranteed. This will kill me. Once I realized that, the decision was made. It was as common sense as any other decision I've ever made to better my life. Have surgery - let my insurance pay for it - get healthy .... or continue on this road of internal self destruction and make my wife a widow much too soon.
This blog is meant for anyone who is struggling, has struggled or will ever struggle with an obstacle in their life that seems almost too big to conquer. We all have that one mountain in our lives that seem impossible to climb. I have 3. One, I have climbed by becoming who I am today. The 2nd ... I am gearing up to climb with this weight loss ... and the 3rd is a general result of the previous 2 and will be nothing but a mole hill after I've climbed my 2 Everest's. In this blog I will share my journey. Every doctor's visit. Every nutritionist appointment. Every little bit of knowledge, inspiration and strength I gather along the way. I will document my ups and my downs. My triumphs and my set backs. My fears and those which I have conquered. I will also be on the search for protein alternatives (consuming nearly 90% protein after WLS (weight loss surgery) is a MUST ... and I'm on the hunt for the least nasty way to do so), vitamin supplements with minimal freaky effects and everything in between.
My surgery countdown has begun. My health insurance (Aetna) requires I wait a 90 day preparatory period from the date of my first surgical consult. I met with my surgeon, Dr. Thomas Bass in Fort Myers, FL on June 9th, 2011. That was day 1 of my 90. He is with Gulf Coast Bariatric Center and is a really great guy. My appointment lasted nearly 2 hours as he answered a lot of my questions as well as addressed my wife's concerns. He went over my medical records and health issues - and has diagnosed me with sleep apnea. I am not a diabetic, nor do I have high cholesterol. My blood pressure is within the normal range - but has been high in the past. He stated I was a perfect candidate for the Sleeve Gastrectomy (I will post images and videos in other posts of the actual surgery). He stated with my age and determination - he doesn't see why I couldn't reach 75% of my total goal within the first year or so. I have an appointment with his nutritionist on Wednesday 6/15/11, which I am very excited about. She's the bariatric protein recipe diva apparently, and I'm always up for more tips. Per my insurance, I've got to get a psychiatric evaluation to make sure I'm not a nut job and that's scheduled for July 5th with another meeting with Dr. Bass a day or two after that. By that time ... month one of 3 will be under my belt and I'll be that much closer to surgery.
This will be one hell of a bumpy ride and I am well aware that I'll never wake up and be skinny and buff ... but I am ready to put in the work to use this operation to the best of it's ability. One thing Dr. Bass said that has stuck with me was that in order to achieve success, I've got to work WITH the operation and not against it. I can't think the surgery is going to do everything. I've got to take in my 600-700 calories a day post-op, my 100g of protein and vitamins and I've got to MOVE MOVE MOVE. With the support of my wife, friends and family - and my fellow sleevers, I will succeed. I hope this blog can inform, encourage or at the very least entertain you.
Welcome to my Genesis. My brand new beginning.
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