Reflections & Ramblings

I’ve decided to start seeing a therapist once every 2 weeks before AND after surgery. A coworker has had the sleeve and said therapy was her saving grace. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … morbid obesity is rarely ever a food issue. It’s not about sitting around eating a thousand cheeseburgers and not lifting a finger all day. It’s a vice. A bondage. It’s the bars behind which we are imprisoned. The emotional NEED. The insatiable NEED that consumes us during times of high stress or emotion. It is our love language, our fear language, our sorrow language. We speak in bites, rather than words. Bite after bite pours down our gullets … instead of words pouring out. We bury the words with foods. We ingest our fears, stresses, sorrows, memories. The time to break the cycle is now. I am learning very very VERY slowly that I AM WORTH IT. I deserve the very best in life. No one can rob that from me. Growing up, hearing how worthless you are – hearing how you should have been aborted – hearing how fat and stupid you are – how you don’t matter … all of those things began to define me. I believed them. I began to think … you’re right, I SHOULD have been aborted. You’re right, I DON’T matter. I AM worthless. All of those things mixed together created the cement that was my foundation to adulthood. You can’t build a house on sinking sand … why would it be different for people? I built a life on my sinking sand reality. I walked every day with my head held high for the masses, and a fake smile on my face – but I had those ‘realities’ as my clothing. Hi, I’m smiling at you and seem confident … but the real me feels like I’m not even worth your time. One of my favorite songs described me in detail.


Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Chorus:
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Chorus (x2)

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?



I felt like I was living a masquerade ball. I was living a lie, and no one really knew who the hell I was. I know I still have a lot … a whole hell of a lot … of work to do to be healthy. I could take the ‘easy’ route and only worry about physical health – but that’s almost guaranteeing to set myself up for failure. I want full body, mind, heart and spirit health. I want to look on the past and smile, and say … it’s ok. I forgive you and I love me. One day, I will stand on the other side of this and know what that kind of health feels like.