Synonym vs. Antonym

I feel like I haven’t posted in eleven THOUSAND days … or maybe it was about 2 weeks. It’s all the same to me. I’m a little over ½ way through with my insurance hoop jumping requirements. I have another meeting with Dr. Bass on 8/11 and I’ve got my final meeting with the nutritionist on 8/15.

I’ll have to meet with Dr. Bass again in September for my final 3 month prep stuff, then my insurance paperwork gets filed. They have me penciled in for 9/26 for surgery. I’m fairly certain these next 61 days are going to feel like 61 years.

I’m still clamoring my way through different proteins and whatnot; trying to find my tastes. I’ve purchased a Ninja Kitchen System (which is probably the bestest thing EVER) – and I’m using it to mix different shakes and protein rich goodies. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be my BFF during the soft/puree stage.

I’ve had a couple of pretty hardcore surgeries that have had me TERRIFIED in the past. Oddly enough, I’m not nervous about this surgery at all. I think I’m more apprehensive about life AFTER vertical sleeve gastrectomy than I am about actually having the procedure done. With that being said, I’m not going into this blindly or assuming it’s going to be all sunshine and unicorns and I’m going to be 388lbs on the Monday of surgery, and 225 by that Friday. I’m completely aware of all of the risks associated with removing 85-90% of one stomach innards … but I also know the risks associated with living a life as morbidly obese. The ‘morbid’ in morbidly obese isn’t just a word to make it sound serious – or a sadistic name thought up by some skinny bitch.

Let’s look at the definition of MORBID in greater detail:

mor•bid  -adjective

1. Suggesting an unhealthy mental state or attitude; unwholesomely gloomy, sensitive, extreme, etc.: a morbid interest in death.

2. Affected by, caused by, causing, or characteristic of disease.

3. Pertaining to diseased parts: morbid anatomy. `

—Synonyms

-- Unwholesome, diseased, unhealthy, sick, sickly; tainted, corrupted, vitiated.

—Antonyms

-- Cheerful, healthy.

The synonyms and antonyms really got me. The opposite of what I am is cheerful and healthy. The polar opposite. To be morbidly obese is basically a polite way of saying miserably fat and diseased.

Yup – that about sums it up.

The risks of NOT having this procedure done FAR outweigh the FACTs of what WILL happen to me if I stay 388lbs. Sure, the sleeve can kill me (highly unlikely … only 0.25% of sleeve patients die as a direct result of surgery). Although the sleeve can kill me … and I’ve got a 1/4 of a percent odd of surgery related death … I’ve got a 100% guarantee of death from the obesity the surgery was created to combat.

Put like that, I’m ready to put my life in Dr. Bass’s hands (literally), and wake up reborn, redefined … and HEALTHY. I will be the synonym rather the antonym. Will you join me

Protein Salvation & Surgery Date

After having a near death experience during a tasting of Profect (GAG), I mixed up a sample packet of Unjury Chocolate Splendor I got in the mail the other day. I mixed it with 2% milk and put a little 1/2 teaspoon of chocolate PB2 powdered peanut butter. I mixed it with a stick blender and braved the first sip.

::Cue the slow motion horror music as I grimace and the cup comes to my quivering lips::

NOW:::

::Cue the choirs of angels singing their praises all in perfect harmony while I run topless through a meadow of wild flowers and spin hand in hoof with a unicorn made of cotton candy and rainbows::

Well, not that drastic ... but the stuff was actually REALLY REALLY good! I'm impressed - and SO glad I finally found something I can stomach.




Also ... surgery is scheduled for SEPTEMBER 26th!!!!

Reflections & Ramblings

I’ve decided to start seeing a therapist once every 2 weeks before AND after surgery. A coworker has had the sleeve and said therapy was her saving grace. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … morbid obesity is rarely ever a food issue. It’s not about sitting around eating a thousand cheeseburgers and not lifting a finger all day. It’s a vice. A bondage. It’s the bars behind which we are imprisoned. The emotional NEED. The insatiable NEED that consumes us during times of high stress or emotion. It is our love language, our fear language, our sorrow language. We speak in bites, rather than words. Bite after bite pours down our gullets … instead of words pouring out. We bury the words with foods. We ingest our fears, stresses, sorrows, memories. The time to break the cycle is now. I am learning very very VERY slowly that I AM WORTH IT. I deserve the very best in life. No one can rob that from me. Growing up, hearing how worthless you are – hearing how you should have been aborted – hearing how fat and stupid you are – how you don’t matter … all of those things began to define me. I believed them. I began to think … you’re right, I SHOULD have been aborted. You’re right, I DON’T matter. I AM worthless. All of those things mixed together created the cement that was my foundation to adulthood. You can’t build a house on sinking sand … why would it be different for people? I built a life on my sinking sand reality. I walked every day with my head held high for the masses, and a fake smile on my face – but I had those ‘realities’ as my clothing. Hi, I’m smiling at you and seem confident … but the real me feels like I’m not even worth your time. One of my favorite songs described me in detail.


Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Chorus:
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Chorus (x2)

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small?



I felt like I was living a masquerade ball. I was living a lie, and no one really knew who the hell I was. I know I still have a lot … a whole hell of a lot … of work to do to be healthy. I could take the ‘easy’ route and only worry about physical health – but that’s almost guaranteeing to set myself up for failure. I want full body, mind, heart and spirit health. I want to look on the past and smile, and say … it’s ok. I forgive you and I love me. One day, I will stand on the other side of this and know what that kind of health feels like.

Psych Evaluation

My psych eval went pretty well. I met with Helene Schute, L.M.H.C, and she was really a fantastic person. I didn't have to take one of those crazy 600 question multiple choice tests or anything, so I'm happy about that. We just spoke about triggers for overeating, my childhood (she earned her $150 on that one) and about what my goals are after surgery. I really wish she was in network with Aetna, because I think I may go to therapy a couple of times a month after surgery to conquer the graveyard of skeletons that linger in my closet.

All in all, I'm not a psycho path, so I'm on the right path for therapy. She was impressed with my grasp of my emotions and my past, and how I am learning to dig it up and really get closure, rather than burying my feelings under mountains of food.

I am pretty happy with this experience, especially now that it's speeding up a little bit. I'm excited to see Dr. Bass next week and get instructions for the next part of this journey and ultimately make my way to a surgery date. This year is going to be an amazing journey, but the start of my new life.

Finally Moving Forward

This month is going to be quite a busy one. I am scheduled for my psychiatric consultation bright and early tomorrow morning at 9:30. Those that know me know that I am the polar opposite of a morning person since I work nights – so this ought to be fun.  I was told it takes about 90 minutes – so that shouldn’t be terrible. I have an appointment with Dr. Bass next Thursday morning to touch base and make sure we are on track with my insurance policies 90 day preparatory period. I also have another meeting with the nutritionist the week after that for another follow up.

Last time I met with the nutritionist, she wanted me to be using protein shakes as meal replacements – which haven’t been working too well. I can’t seem to find a protein I actually like yet. I’ve recently ordered protein shots (http://www.protica.com/Products/Profect.htm) that are set to come this week. I ordered 2 sample packs so I was able to get one of every flavor and give it a shot (25g of protein in each shot). I also plan on going to a whole food type store this week to check out their proteins. I was told a couple of shops locally have sample packs you can purchase – so that’s worth a look. I got Bariatric Advantage brand protein from the surgeon, and the only flavor that was semi tolerable was the banana … it kind of tasted like banana laffy taffy (https://www1.bariatricadvantage.com/catalog/list?id=24672).

Another thing I got from the surgeon was a product called PB2 (http://store.bellplantation.com/PB2-Powdered-Peanut-Butter-s/3.htm). It’s a powdered peanut butter product that has less calories and fat than even low fat PB. It’s actually pretty good. I was surprised. I can see myself using this. It’s not as sweet as traditional JIF, but it fills the peanut butter craving and is much healthier.

I have been considering starting a YouTube channel for my bariatric process and updates – so we shall see. I’ve watched countless hours of videos from all kinds of people with all kinds of surgeries and have learned so much. An important thing to remember is to not take it as gospel. Joe Blow’s experience may be nothing like Mary Smith’s experience and that’s ok. Every person is different – we just have to remember to be objective with the information we allow to root itself in our heart. We’ve all heard those horror stories of a friend of a friend had that cousin once who had an aunt that was twice removed whose hairdresser died from some form of weight loss surgery. I’m not minimizing anyone else’s experience … I’m merely saying we must consider the source and keep an open mind and heart. This sleeve will only work as good and as hard as we do. We can have the sleeve done and GAIN weight if we are not using the tool to its full capacity, or, on the other hand, we can have the sleeve and lose 200lbs and everything in life will be sunshine and rainbows. It depends on how hard we work and how hard we want it. I’m going to work that tool from surgery, not let it work me.